I don't really know

I really hate it here. The ONLY reason I'm even trying or bothering is because of my bf but... At this point in time I don't even know if it'll work out or not. I want to believe it will and I'm trying but I'm just so damn tired of it. Been trying to get a job since coming here and he's just been lazy. I'm not sure how it's going to work out at this rate. I don't really have internet and I'm eating and sleeping super shitty. 

Honestly, as bad as it sounds.... I'm wondering if it was even worth it. I love him to death but... These living conditions are actually shit and I can truly say I actually really hate it almost to a point where even being together with him, doesn't make anything seem well. 

I tried to motivate him multiple times. To get a job so we could get the fuck out, so we could have nice things, so we wouldn't live in a shit hole.... Nothing seems to work. Idk.... Maybe I should just leave and never bother with anyone or anything again.  :/  

Done

So.... I'm just done trying. Trying to control myself, trying to be better, trying to care for shit I don't care for and trying to care for the last few things and people I care about. I'm not stopping because I don't love you, I'm stopping because it's just pointless now and there's more negative and depressing shit than there is good. Yes I have issues, but you've known almost all of them for a looong time now. Thanks for pointing them out and blatantly blaming MY issues for shit going wrong all the time. As if I'm already not anxious and stressed enough. Well whatever, you can be "right" now. You can go find someone less bitchy and manipulative and psychotic, as you put it. Just wondering why I even believed anything would come of it or actually work. Silly me.... By know I should have known that's NOT how MY life works. 

Everything is spinning, my heart is hurting, I hope it all ends soon....  Really soon. 

Please....

We're going to find out next week whether we got the apartment or not. I... I'm worried. It's 3:17am right now and I'm laying in bed crying. It hurts so much to be away from you. Since you've been here, I've made some of the shittiest mistakes and decisions that I have in a while. You've been trying so hard to be better and more understanding.... So why do I give up so much faster now? I want to be with you..... For good. I want to be the only girl you notice and the only girl you look at. I want to be that person you can trust and lean on. I.... I REALLY don't deserve it though. After all the shit you've been through with me, you forgave me. It bothers me because I don't understand or know why. How can you even put up with me? I want to hold you again.... Fall asleep in your arms, wake up and hug you before you wake up. I want to have our usual tickling wars till we can't breathe. I wonder why I forget all the good stuff and times we've had when we fight. It's definitely worth fighting for. Why am I being an idiot. Why does it hurt so much when you're away. I miss you.... I love you.... Please.... Let us get that apartment, so we can be together again....happy....

....in the end

... It didn't even matter. 

There's so many thoughts going through my mind right now, as tears stream down my face. I'm not going to reply, because I'm just tired of the fighting. I feel dead inside. Hurt and dead, it's been a while since I felt like this. It's been a while since I couldn't even form everything into something that could be explained. If I had to describe the feeling, it'd be like this. 

Just screaming inside your head through tears. Curled up in a ball of hurt and agony. Suffocating as you struggle to gasp what little air you seem to have around you. One thought going through your mind. "Make it stop..."  Please make it stop... Make the pain end. Make the feelings disappear. Make it stop...  ba bum ba bum  ... Shut up.... Stop beating.... Just FUCKING STOP BEATING ALREADY FFS.... Stop.... STOP.... please.... Just this once.... Stop.... I... Am tired....  please... Let it stop hurting....  why.... 

Exhausted

I'm...so tired.... I feel like I don't even get any sleep. Like, ffs....I went to bed at 9:20pm last night JUST to get some normal sleep. Woke up at 5 and I feel like I still haven't gotten enough sleep even though I've only woken up once for like 5 mins. Need...sleep....pls. And food.... fuck, it sucks not having food in the mornings. Barely even have time to cook.   :c  SOMEONE, COME TAKE CARE OF ME.  Dx   

Least I put my clothes into dryer to warm it up, cuz damn it's cold....can barely feel my fingers. 

I wanna go back to sleep...  how did my weekend end this fast? 

Probably gonna take a nap once I get to school for about an hour. Hopefully this time, my hands won't go completely numb. 

Feeling kinda down

So I haven't been feeling all too well lately. I ended up missing class the second week of school for each of my classes. The Japanese class I'm taking is hardcore difficult to the max because of how much stuff we need to memorize within the short amount of time we have. (10 Hiragana Characters, the correct way to say and write them) Now unlike other tests  that are easy and you get "multiple choice" questions... THIS IS NOTHING LIKE IT. So you have your first 5 "questions" which is mostly 5 different chars (ka, ke, go, gu, gi) that need to be written in hiragana (the actual japanese characters), then the next 5-7 that are blank and have to be verbally told to us and typed out in hiragana. Seems simple enough, if you didn't have 2 days to memorize them and then a bunch of expressions and daily activities on top of that, on top of homework. Missing a day made me miss a quiz, attendance and homework, all of which can NOT be made-up for. SO... first quiz = 0% PLUS all the information on what's going to be on the next quiz (the next 10 characters), etc etc. I ended up confusing 2 characters with each other, so instead of getting the 70% I -would- have gotten from the day I missed .... I got less. Shit just seems WAY TOO HARD. But it gets WORSE. So whenever we have a quiz, our teacher puts the new stuff we have to learn.... WITH THE OLD STUFF. That is NOT making it ANY EASIER for me to catch up, since then I have to literally never even sleep to be able to memorize that shit, instead of the new shit I WILL be tested on... and my anxiety levels are fucking skyrocketing through the damn roof. Today... my anxiety kicked in RIGHT before class started... and I COMPLETELY blanked the hell out even though I studied. I'm pretty sure I'm getting a fucking 10% for today's quiz when I receive it back Thursday. Kinda outright just cried quietly in class. 


Through all of this massive shit that's just been piling on top of more shit on top of being stressed and needing to keep my grades up... I have to say I'm SUPER thankful to my boyfriend. He's been super supportive lately and it means so much to me, especially right now when I feel like just giving up and running away like I always do. Got home today and was just... bummed, literally didn't even feel like doing anything other than laying in bed and wallowing in self-pity of how badly I fucked up on that quiz today. Alas, le man was like "Stop it, you're wasting time." And I was like "Yeaaaa...... yea yea..." and got up and started studying/doing homework. At least someone is keeping me motivated, supported and in-check. 

Thank you baby. ;~;  ♥

...M-maybe....

And...the advise I really needed, came from the least expected person. Thank you. 

Y-you know...I may be over protective and insecure as fuck, but maybe even someone like me is loved and needed. S-so...I'll try. It's hard and it's rough and I'm scared but...maybe if I try hard enough and if he cares as much as I can tell he does, it'll finally work. You don't have to like all of me, and I don't have to like all of you, just need to find a way to deal with it and get over it. 

Maybe I'm just writing this to motivate myself and find the lost hope inside myself. Being around you.... makes me feel something weird. Every time I doubt if we'd make it through and every time I want to give up and just break up. Every time I think about it.... there's something that bitch slaps me and goes "The fuck are you even thinking? It IS worth it, just try harder." T-these issues are just temporary.... we can fix it, just gotta hold on. 

.... would it even matter

Its the new year, yaaaay oh my god..... Or so everyone is acting. Unfortunately, that's definitely not how my xmas or new years go. I was crying since last night..Still crying off and on. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just fucking retarded and can't do anything right. It shouldn't be hard to just not overreact and act like a normal girlfriend.... But for some godly, unknown reason, I can't even do that right. So here I am, after nearly losing you .... Again. I haven't stopped crying. I want to change, but....  .... Maybe I really should let you leave and be happy. God knows I can't even make you happy anymore, let alone keep you happy. 


 Maybe I really should just disappear. You'd be happier without a fucked up failure like me anyway.