Betrayed

Do you know those moments when... you believe someone and you trust them even when your heart aches, because it knows better than that? Those moments when you tell yourself it's not true but you know better than that? Those moments when you find the evidence you wanted to find and cried over once you found it. 

I feel broken.

I don't know how to react right now. I don't know how to treat this person right now. This person whom....has gotten so close to me that it's humanely impossible to NOT be hurt over this shit. I'm trying to stay calm in my mind, but my heart just hurts. It hurts because you told me she didn't know anything about you and yet...I found the proof to tell me otherwise. I found that proof in a stash, that you didn't know I had access to. Now that I think about it...I wonder who all has access to it.

I don't even feel like fucking talking to you right now.

 

 

Yet here I am...replying to your skype messages like it's nothing...like it's nothing. I guess it IS nothing, right? I'm across the whole fucking world from you, why SHOULD it matter? You wouldn't even know that something is wrong...because me not messaging you is normal...kinda...you're too busy to notice me not messaging you anyway. I was wondering who it was messaging you on skype while we were in calls, I guess I got my answer now! I was wondering why you wouldn't tell people you had someone...I guess I know that now too. 

 

I never thought it would hurt this fucking much. I want to stab and carve my own heart out.

 

Hey...you know how I've felt like I couldn't talk to anyone anymore and had that feeling?

I fucking HATE being right.

 

And how is it that I'm right about the most hurtful of fucking things and never about the things that I REALLY NEED to be right about.

SO!   HERE'S HOW THIS GOES! :D

 

About 2 days ago, I lost a handful of 'friends' that...I felt were just outright rude in what they did and how they went about doing so. Had I over reacted? Sure, I'll agree with them and say I have. Do I regret it? No, because I wasn't in the wrong here. I was fine with this...because I still have a few other people that are there for me and most of all I had YOU. That is...YOU never thought I'd find the things I did. 

 

Just when did you start lying to me? When did you stop caring the way you did? You told me before that you never want to hurt me. You're hurting me....so much, so much that it hurts to even think about you anymore. I don't want to be here...I don't want to be anywhere really. I don't want to exist. It's not because of you, it's because of everything that's been going on. Most of all it's because of ME. Because I can't seem to fucking do ANYTHING right to make ANYTHING work for me. Fuck...I can't even keep a man happy.    

 

 

....why? 

 

 

 

I think...I might just.... ..... ....disappear.

 

...I wonder...

Hey...

have things really changed...

...or has it always been like this between us? 

You know...back when we met on essenceRO, I heard about how everyone hated you because you were the biggest asshole around, and because of what you did to the server. I wonder why I even messaged you. I guess I wanted to be that "assholes" friend.

People do stupid shit and make stupid mistakes. I guess the amount of stupid shit I've done with you around has exceeded to a point of you disliking me after liking me. Why did you even like me? You've always been a little crazy. You did treat me better than others. Did I take it for granted that much? I seem to do that a lot, especially with the people I really DO care about that I can't really express or show it that well with. 

I've been told I have the worst ways of showing I care. I guess that wouldn't be the only thing wrong with me, would it? I can't seem to do anything right...nothing at all. Not from talking and communicating with people, to treating people right. I wonder when I became like this? I used to care about people, a LOT, more than I should have, from what I was told. Did I change when I got tired of people treating me like shit?

I hate being mean and rude, but I'm not even sure I know how to be anything else. Everyone has different defense mechanisms, right? Why do mine have to be so fucked up? 

....Am I really that much of a bother to you? 

It feels like it....

...I hate myself.

I wish someone would help me....

....anyone...

....please?

Happy For Once

It's...been a while since I posted. I tried logging on here last year and write some stuffs and apparently never finished it. Then came back about 8 months later to try to post something again, and still never finished it. In the end, I just deleted the drafts. LOL! Effort? Fuck it, let's delete! I'm writing a blog for once because a friend of mine, if I can even call him that, mentioned that I should write a blog once in a while when I'm happy too, not just when I'm sad. And since last night, I've been nothing but in the best of moods that I could be in.


It's been a while since we've done anything together, but we're still very close. You told me your reasoning and expected the worst. I accepted it and gave you the best. I regret nothing that happened, only that it didn't happen sooner. Everything's slowly falling back in place, I think.

I have a test coming up already on 7th that I started studying for. Lab starting Wed that I didn't start studying for yet, ugh. I'm happy to be back in school at least.

I kept feeling as if I was conscious even though I was sleeping and I could still hear everything going on around me even though I was asleep. Kept waking up pretty often. Didn't want to get up to eat in the morning either because I just had no energy. My body felt all weak. Keep typo'ing like crazy lately too, perhaps because I've been getting sick slowly and haven't exactly taken care of myself? Who knows. I'm being scolded to take better care of myself. <~< so I suppose I will.  ;x

Got really sick last night, so had to stay home from work as well. Staying home tonight too, not feeling any better. Actually, I feel so much like shit that, I think I wouldn't even make it down there in one piece, and risking my life for money just doesn't cut it for me. Bed is calling for me.

I love this, it's like the old times...2-3-4 years ago. You make me so happy. =^////^= ♥