So.... it's been a while. I'm pretty sure shit just keeps getting worse.  There's been a lot of things on my mind.  Not good things.  I really hate people, especially liars. I hate being told one thing and people doing the other thing.  I've been with my bf for a few years now, I think.  He can really make me feel unloved and shitty sometimes.  I wonder if maybe I'm just blind. 

So this year..... I've lost quite a bit. I lost friends that I thought I mattered to, on Valentine's day. About a month or 2 later, I lost someone really important to me.  I lost one of my closest friends and the person I thought I could always trust. I... he promised me since 9th grade that he'll be there for me no matter what, yet he wouldn't be because of how much I've hurt him and him needing time to get over me. Well, this year, I lost that person. It hurt so much, it still does, knowing that I'm just nothing to him. Maybe it's because I wanted to believe that someone would love me regardless of how terrible of a person I am. After all, he promised he'd always be there for me. He watched me crumble through years and lose hope about having someone there and them leaving me, over and over and over again and again.  He made me believe there was still hope, as long as he was there for me. I should've known better.  They always leave, all of them..... Even him. 

I'm sorry I can't be as strong as you think I am. You will probably never read this or know, but I know how much it hurts now.... And I'm so sorry you had to go through it. I'm sorry I'm giving up. I'm so tired of trying.  I dont want to be strong. I dont want those stupid compliments that aren't true. I dont want to fucking trust anyone and believe that there's someone out there that won't leave. If you left, then there probably isn't anyone else that wouldn't.  I dont want to be disappointed anymore.  I dont want to hope.  I dont want to hurt. I dont want to live... but I don't want to die either. The worst of all of this though?  I feel like I'm already dead inside but that I'm just trying to hold onto whatever I can as a clutch just to prove me wrong and there just isn't anything there to grab. 

My heart really hurts. Please..... someone.... help me. I dont know how..... I dont know what.  I'm not alright. Behind this smile and me being nice, there's a lot of pain and feelings I can't explain.  Even when i try, it just falls on deaf ears. I feel invisible.... why can't I just be invisible, it would've been better either way.  I, supposedly,  have all these "friends". But, how are they really my friends, when not a single one of them, can see how much pain I'm really in. Why do I have to be in such physical and emotional pain. Wasn't me losing my way in 10th grade enough when I lost my best friend, my dog. Why did I have to lose him and have my entire life go to fucking shit and make all these stupid, retarded choices. 

I'm going back to Florida on Aug 25th till October 1st. I... don't know if I even want to come back here. I dont want to stay there either. I just want to go somewhere where no one finds me, just leave as if I'm dead and gone. Most people wouldn't even notice and half of those that would notice, probably wouldn't care. If they did, it probably wouldn't be the people I want or need the most either.  I'm starting to feel so bad that I have a pretty bad loss of appetite....lol, that's right,  me. I Wish things were different.  I may or may not be around. I will most likely act like I'm okay. If you read this, you'll probably ask me what's wrong or what you can do or how to help. The sad part is though, no one will ever know, because it's not something words can describe.  

I'm sorry I'm not strong anymore.  I tried my heart out, I really did. But it just hurts too much to try anymore.