I don't know what to write anymore. This distance... hurts.... sucks. I'm starting to feel so insecure again. I'm starting to doubt everything so hard again. I'm starting to hurt, so much again. Everyone else seems happy. I wonder what I truly did to deserve all of this. Surely there's a reason for it, right? One can only handle so much of this. I have so much to say, so much in my head, in my heart, so much that I can't even hear the things around me sometimes as my inner thoughts scream at me until I curl up in agonizing pain and just hope it all goes away. So much, that I feel like it's a silent scream. It's just a scream. A crying scream. One that people would be able to just feel if they heard it, if only they did.
Last year was the worst year of my entire 34 years. The year ended good though, and started out even better. Things were going to be good. There was change for the better, I felt safe and secure, wanted. Then I went back. Weeks turned to months, months turned into more months. It felt like nothing was going anywhere. Then it felt like it was getting worse. Then I got the job. It's a good paying job. Just.... with too many people around. Wayyy too many. It's like a HS zoo, but worse with how these "adults" act and interact.
"It's fine, just temporary" I reminded myself, but the longer it went on, the worst it felt. More anxiety, more stress, more feeling like shit that then led to arguments. The things we talked about seemed further away, you started feeling more away. I start having breakdowns, you start having hesitations.
You're going to leave.... aren't you. No amount of trying, praying, hoping, feels like it's working or going to make anything better. Why did I think that it'll be different and you'd stay? It was perfect. Everything but me.... me... the unchanging factor. I'm sorry... clearly, it's me. I don't know what else to do. I'm so worn out. If you ever read this.... please... prove me wrong..... please...
