I feel broken.
I don't know how to react right now. I don't know how to treat this person right now. This person whom....has gotten so close to me that it's humanely impossible to NOT be hurt over this shit. I'm trying to stay calm in my mind, but my heart just hurts. It hurts because you told me she didn't know anything about you and yet...I found the proof to tell me otherwise. I found that proof in a stash, that you didn't know I had access to. Now that I think about it...I wonder who all has access to it.
I don't even feel like fucking talking to you right now.
Yet here I am...replying to your skype messages like it's nothing...like it's nothing. I guess it IS nothing, right? I'm across the whole fucking world from you, why SHOULD it matter? You wouldn't even know that something is wrong...because me not messaging you is normal...kinda...you're too busy to notice me not messaging you anyway. I was wondering who it was messaging you on skype while we were in calls, I guess I got my answer now! I was wondering why you wouldn't tell people you had someone...I guess I know that now too.
I never thought it would hurt this fucking much. I want to stab and carve my own heart out.
Hey...you know how I've felt like I couldn't talk to anyone anymore and had that feeling?
I fucking HATE being right.
And how is it that I'm right about the most hurtful of fucking things and never about the things that I REALLY NEED to be right about.
SO! HERE'S HOW THIS GOES! :D
About 2 days ago, I lost a handful of 'friends' that...I felt were just outright rude in what they did and how they went about doing so. Had I over reacted? Sure, I'll agree with them and say I have. Do I regret it? No, because I wasn't in the wrong here. I was fine with this...because I still have a few other people that are there for me and most of all I had YOU. That is...YOU never thought I'd find the things I did.
Just when did you start lying to me? When did you stop caring the way you did? You told me before that you never want to hurt me. You're hurting me....so much, so much that it hurts to even think about you anymore. I don't want to be here...I don't want to be anywhere really. I don't want to exist. It's not because of you, it's because of everything that's been going on. Most of all it's because of ME. Because I can't seem to fucking do ANYTHING right to make ANYTHING work for me. Fuck...I can't even keep a man happy.
....why?
I think...I might just.... ..... ....disappear.
