Lost

I don't know how long it's been.
I've been sleeping really bad. 
I've been eating almost nothing. 
My heart keeps hurting. 

I'm not sure if I even love you, or have loved you recently, or if I'm just so obsessed over the idea of us being together.
Any time I think of going and looking elsewhere, even when we're not together, I feel like shit.
I can't really picture myself with another guy. 
I miss your arms around me. 
I miss the soft kisses. 
I miss waking up next to you. 

This hurts way too much. 

Why were you such a lying scumbag to me....

I may not have been a perfect girlfriend, maybe not even half of one, but I loved you and didn't go behind your back doing shit that you would've called me names for, if I would've done them. 

My head hurts and my body is in pain. The daily walks are really fucking with my injuries, but it's nice out here on the trails. I got a doge, she's an asshole whom I named Camilla or Cami for short.  

I mean, you can tell she's a prissy lil thing. 

It's been a fucking struggle tho. From not sleeping for days, to not eating for almost 2 days straight. It's been an emotional whirlwind since bf and I broke up 3 weeks ago? Maybe even longer, I lost count. I try not to think about it, but it still hurts a lot and I still cry daily. We still talk and half the time it's still fighting. Idfk what to do anymore. 

Birthday is in less than a week and I'm just not looking forward to it at all. Not only do I not have anything planned, but I doubt I can do anything on it anyway since Cami has severe separation anxiety if I'm out of the room for more than 1 minute (and that's an improvement from the 20 seconds it was at first). God forbid I lock her up in the crate and the whining will begin before I even leave the room. Can't even enjoy my hot showers anymore cuz I have to make showers super quick. Can't afford puppy training cuz my check for my car never came and I FINALLY just got a hold of the people yesterday after a week of trying already. 

Cami won't let me sleep unless she's on the bed with me, and even then it's only if she's not in the mood to play. My so called friends, acquaintances, I dont ecdn know anymore, decided to be asses before my bday, so I guess that's less people anyway altogether that are in my life. 

What's the point of acting like you care about someone when you don't though? What do people gain out of doing that? I'm tired... my head hurts, I hope I don't have yet another migraine tomorrow. At least thank God my 3 roommates are all awesome sweethearts. ONE thing that went somewhat well. 

I'm not okay.

I guess you'll really be leaving this time. Day 2 of barely any sleep. Day 2 of me waking up crying and still crying. I don't know if I can be left alone. It hurts and you haven't even left. I don't know what to do or who to talk to or how to not lose it. I wish I could breathe. I wish i couldn't feel more.  I'm happy you know what you want to do now. I hope you find someone that's not like me, someone that will actually make you happy. Clearly I can't do anything right.

Hi, it's me again. 

 Another dream, or maybe it's a nightmare. You were there again. I kept waking up the entire night. It hurt each and every single time. This must be what it felt like for you, eh? I attempted to go back to sleep multiple times, finally managing at around 6:10am or so. Woke up at 8am. Looked through my discord at all the pictures you left of Japan there, crying. Tried to add on discord.... failed. I already knew I was blocked on steam, but I tried there either way.... failed. Looked at your number with your words echo'ing in my head. "You can always call me no matter what time it is and I'll always be there for you." I don't think I could see the phone screen anymore, everything was blurry. I was already curled up in a ball of pain, the crying didn't help. I feel so alone, even if I'm not exactly "alone". I thought back to the time I bailed on you when I was in NY because I was too scared. I laughed at myself scornfully and called myself a fucking moron. I saw the e-mail you had once sent me something from and wanted to write you a letter, but I don't even know if that e-mail is active, and even if it is, I doubt you'd read it. I don't think you'd read this either. I found the wall of text you send me in a notepad in 2011. Read through it, and I'm pretty sure there's more than a fucking ocean in the room. One of the last lines in it was this, word for word:

"You say you don't love me, yet you also say you'll ALWAYS keep in touch..untill I get married. If you didn't love me, then why would you stop contacting me if I got married to another.."  

 Because you would have obligations to someone else. Because you'd be happy in the end. Despite you not telling me, I know you're supposed to get married sometime this year from what I heard. You decided to cut me out of your life way before that happened though. Why did you even try to cut me out? Telling me that shes' better than me and your number 1 was enough, you didn't need to throw me away. What happened to being there for me? Did you think that changing your number and blocking me everywhere was the best way to move on? Were you THAT unsure of yourself that you couldn't move on and actually marry her unless you did that to me? 

I forgive you. I know it's not easy. I know how much it hurt. Did you think that it didn't hurt me when I knew you were hurting? You're fucking selfish if you think it didn't matter to me. You're selfish if you think it doesn't matter still. Maybe even more selfish than me. 

I'm back in college, trying to make ANYTHING at all of my life and keep myself motivated from killing myself. I don't really know if it's working or not. I go and I surround myself with people and I smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong. I've always been good at that, no one has any idea! I go home and I act like I'm happy and do my "bitch" routine. I'm lonely even when he's next to me. It's like we're together but I'm alone. I have some of my friends from ages ago, from RO, in my discord talking to me sometimes. I wonder where I went wrong.... I wonder why I didn't listen to anyone. Lol, everyone liked you. Everyone said I was stupid. I guess it's true when they say that obvious things are the things we can't see ourselves until it's too late.  Another attempt at a skype add... probably another fail. I think I finally lost all of the friends that once gave a fuck about me... I'm good at that too, eh? I want to yell and cry but nothing comes out aside from tears. I don't feel very good. 

I think... I'll try to send this... or so I tell myself, but I probably won't. It'll be saved as a draft and I'll re-read it and consider sending this again. You're happy, I think... so I shouldn't bother or care. I wish you still cared.... I wish you'd at least still be a friend. I wish I could turn back time and fix all my stupid mistakes. You were literally always there for me..... how the fuck am I supposed to just be fine that you're gone like that? HOW.... Why....  

....I'm gonna go throw up and take a long shower while crying my heart out.