Hi, it's me again. 

 Another dream, or maybe it's a nightmare. You were there again. I kept waking up the entire night. It hurt each and every single time. This must be what it felt like for you, eh? I attempted to go back to sleep multiple times, finally managing at around 6:10am or so. Woke up at 8am. Looked through my discord at all the pictures you left of Japan there, crying. Tried to add on discord.... failed. I already knew I was blocked on steam, but I tried there either way.... failed. Looked at your number with your words echo'ing in my head. "You can always call me no matter what time it is and I'll always be there for you." I don't think I could see the phone screen anymore, everything was blurry. I was already curled up in a ball of pain, the crying didn't help. I feel so alone, even if I'm not exactly "alone". I thought back to the time I bailed on you when I was in NY because I was too scared. I laughed at myself scornfully and called myself a fucking moron. I saw the e-mail you had once sent me something from and wanted to write you a letter, but I don't even know if that e-mail is active, and even if it is, I doubt you'd read it. I don't think you'd read this either. I found the wall of text you send me in a notepad in 2011. Read through it, and I'm pretty sure there's more than a fucking ocean in the room. One of the last lines in it was this, word for word:

"You say you don't love me, yet you also say you'll ALWAYS keep in touch..untill I get married. If you didn't love me, then why would you stop contacting me if I got married to another.."  

 Because you would have obligations to someone else. Because you'd be happy in the end. Despite you not telling me, I know you're supposed to get married sometime this year from what I heard. You decided to cut me out of your life way before that happened though. Why did you even try to cut me out? Telling me that shes' better than me and your number 1 was enough, you didn't need to throw me away. What happened to being there for me? Did you think that changing your number and blocking me everywhere was the best way to move on? Were you THAT unsure of yourself that you couldn't move on and actually marry her unless you did that to me? 

I forgive you. I know it's not easy. I know how much it hurt. Did you think that it didn't hurt me when I knew you were hurting? You're fucking selfish if you think it didn't matter to me. You're selfish if you think it doesn't matter still. Maybe even more selfish than me. 

I'm back in college, trying to make ANYTHING at all of my life and keep myself motivated from killing myself. I don't really know if it's working or not. I go and I surround myself with people and I smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong. I've always been good at that, no one has any idea! I go home and I act like I'm happy and do my "bitch" routine. I'm lonely even when he's next to me. It's like we're together but I'm alone. I have some of my friends from ages ago, from RO, in my discord talking to me sometimes. I wonder where I went wrong.... I wonder why I didn't listen to anyone. Lol, everyone liked you. Everyone said I was stupid. I guess it's true when they say that obvious things are the things we can't see ourselves until it's too late.  Another attempt at a skype add... probably another fail. I think I finally lost all of the friends that once gave a fuck about me... I'm good at that too, eh? I want to yell and cry but nothing comes out aside from tears. I don't feel very good. 

I think... I'll try to send this... or so I tell myself, but I probably won't. It'll be saved as a draft and I'll re-read it and consider sending this again. You're happy, I think... so I shouldn't bother or care. I wish you still cared.... I wish you'd at least still be a friend. I wish I could turn back time and fix all my stupid mistakes. You were literally always there for me..... how the fuck am I supposed to just be fine that you're gone like that? HOW.... Why....  

....I'm gonna go throw up and take a long shower while crying my heart out.