I guess this will be my first blog post. Not gonna lie, it feels slightly weird to be writing this for no one to really read, since people don't usually check my website details and stuff.  :'D  As long as I get things off my chest though, I guess it doesn't matter, eh?   There's so many things that have been bothering me lately that it's just too hard to even keep it bottled up inside anymore. 


I've been having really bad nightmares lately again. I'm so tired of staying awake every night for hours and hours on end. It feels like the only time I'm able to sleep normally is when I fall asleep with my hubbie either on the phone or some sort of presence of him near me. {Sounds weird, doesn't it?} I'm...tired of a lot of things. I told myself I'll be better this year, more patient, understanding and passionate about the things I REALLY care about and want or love. I started working on it at the end of December and everything was going well, until recently.  I've been more snappy, irritated, irrational, bitchy and overall just a shame to MYSELF.  I feel like I'm letting myself down, Erich and a few friends who believe in me. 


My medical has gotten really bad too. My ankles hurt so much lately that some days it's almost unbearable and I don't even want to get out of bed, not because I don't want to, but because the pain of the bones inside the ankle grinding up against each other. That feeling of you ripping tendons in the entire ankle {like spraining but worse} and walking on it with the grinding of bones. {YEA, IMAGINE THAT SHIT...IT HURTS!  >:   }   My back is killing me, lower mid to all the way down to my butt. It's hard to find a comfy spot to sleep on. Can't sleep on my back anymore, so I have to constantly try to sleep on either of my sides. It would've been fine if I wasn't forcing all of my weight on it every night, now my ribs hurt. Haha, I guess I can complain about everything that hurts without bitching at me saying to suck it up.... FUCK YOU PEOPLE.... YOU suck it up. I don't like pain, and I'm NOT going to suck it up, because neither I, nor anyone else, should need to live with it. Eventually I'll get better with some help from specialist doctors, right? My left knee is acting up too... almost like ripping as well, or an over-worked spring that's about to pop. My neck.... even though the MRI's didn't show anything in my neck {Since it was a scan for my back}, I still think there might be something up with the back of my neck too. My shoulders crack in a very....cracky way. The kind you can hear some 50 feet away, and hurts a LOT. I think my body is breaking, LOL, or maybe it's just me. 

I....met some more people online that I seem to get along with. They're nice and all, but sometimes I wonder if they're just being nice because I might be in pain or not feeling well. Do they even care? Most people would ask me why it matters if someone else cares or not. I care...because in the end, we all want at least someone to care and try to be there for us. Just because YOU don't care if someone cares about you or not, that's your thing, this is mine! Hubbie tells me that I should try asking people to play with me, but I just feel like a bother almost all the time when I try to think of something to say and the conversation ends in a few mins after it begins. I envy him sometimes, I wish I could talk to people that easily and get along with them. That's what I get for having a sharp tongue, a short temper and a fucked up attitude. 

There's a few friends I used to be close with. I don't feel so close to them anymore. I don't blame any of them though, because I know that in the end it's mostly my fault and I must've done something wrong for those people to stop either trusting me, or having fun talking to me and spending time with me. Still hurts. Lots of things hurt, that I don't have any right to talk about here, because I made promises, and I keep my promises despite how shitty I might feel. 


I guess this is it for now till I find something to talk about?  o: