My eyes and head have been hurting so bad this past week. Like a permanent headache that never goes away. 8 hrs of sleep between 3 days then I finally got sleep thanks to drinking. Still felt so tired. Slept fantastic last night only to wake up with a massive headache again and clearly not enough sleep. Body keeps waking me up at 6:30am every fucking day. I don’t like it. I go for walks in the morning with Cami now. At least someone is happy. Sucks not having anyone to say good morning to, or see the msg written. Not just from a random but from someone you want to talk to.
Made a few friends, good/nice people. Don’t really want to be around anyone recently but definitely don’t want to be alone. Wonder if I have a mental illness or something. I wouldn’t put it past my issues. Apparently I’m bottom of the barrel trash. Ok then. Want my relationships to suffer? Well don’t you worry! They’re non existent so I guess that’s not happening, eh!
I feel like I’m losing it. I just don’t care anymore. Doggo has been near me a lot lately. Wonder if she knows what’s wrong with me. I don’t even think this is depression anymore. My heart’s been weird. It’s stuck somewhere between trying to take a deep breath and anxiety combined together and stuck somewhere near my collarbone in the middle. Sometimes I imagine me swallowing that feeling whole. I really want to go skydiving or on a roller coaster. I think that’s really what I need, just to feel like I can die at any second. I love that feeling. When everything leaves your stomach and it drops and your adrenaline rushes because you don’t know if you’re alive or about to die. That is the greatest feeling in the world. I want THAT feeling.
School is supposed to be starting early January and I... have not written my financial reinstatement petition. Just no drive to do that or other things. I don’t feel like getting up and out of bed. I almost pray I don’t get a job because my emotional/mental state is so fucked that I’m scared I might just not make it through the day’s even when I DON’T have to be around people.
Another fight, with another person. A sociopath. I’m jealous. How easy it would be to be a sociopath and just not give a single fuck about anything or anyone. Would be easy to leave people behind and just move and start somewhere new. Passing out again as I’m writing this, despite getting at least 12 hrs of sleep. Maybe I’m infected despite never leaving house. That’d be amazing. A blessing in disguise.
