.....eh

My life started to slowly get better once I moved to Oregon a few months ago. However, usually when one thing starts to become better, everything else seems to go to shit in my life. My relationship was one of those things that just ultimately, started getting worse and worse, along with other reasons for it. The other night, someone I consider a friend said something to me that hit a spot. Yea, I realize that maybe almost my entire life has been unstable, along with my relationships but to be frank and honest, I don't appreciate you throwing it in my face. I think pessimistically enough about the shit that's gone wrong and the shit that I couldn't fix, I don't need you fucking sitting there and being all high and mighty on your pedestal talking down to me. 

"No no they're not. Your relationship doesn't affect me at all but I am curious seeing as how it seems to be one of the few future plans you do look forward to and frankly the sooner it falls apart it seems the sooner you'd have a viable means of working toward actual happiness with someone who cared about you enough to provide you a place to live." 

You don't know shit about my relationship with my boyfriend, or the relationship between said person that provided me with the place to live. I don't give a damn if you THINK you're right, that doesn't give you the right to being this way towards me. 



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I... really do barely have anyone as is and the number of people that I can TALK to is becoming even less and less. I don't really know who to talk to anymore or who to ask for help. Even if I knew and had that.... I wouldn't be able to describe what I'm going through and what I'm feeling anyway. Most times I just feel like I'm invisible and curl up in my room. "Yea, I'm fine. No, nothing is wrong." Do I believe it? Sure. Nothing that I can EXPLAIN without having people jumping down my throat and trying to tell me what I SHOULD do. My head hurts.... I don't really want to fucking try anymore. I don't want to try to be strong or fix shit. I'm so tired of trying to fix my life and myself and everything else that has gotten wrong. I'm tired of feeling..... All feelings seem to do is just make me miserable. Every time I go "maybe I won't get hurt this time"... it's just disappointment over and over again and again. "You're just a crybaby".  You know what.... maybe I fucking am, because I can't find the fucking words to describe anything anymore. I know it won't make me feel better and it doesn't. Quite the opposite actually.... but what the fuck am I supposed to do when I can't even control myself? I can't even take stress out anymore because of the disabilities on my body. I have no stress reliever...and I don't want to just fucking talk about everything that's wrong. It doesn't change or solve anything. If anything, it just makes me more miserable because right now... no one can even help me anymore.  The only person who's fucking affection and care I want, truly want, just doesn't even give a single fuck, or at least ACTS like it. Why say you do, if your actions don't show what you claim.....  how hypocritical of me.  

I wonder how long I'll keep caring for. You say you don't want it and you're tired of it and me being annoying and clingy..... but I hope... I sincerely hope, that someday when I'm no longer this way.... you'll actually miss it. And when you do.... it'll be too late.