...I wonder...

Hey...

have things really changed...

...or has it always been like this between us? 

You know...back when we met on essenceRO, I heard about how everyone hated you because you were the biggest asshole around, and because of what you did to the server. I wonder why I even messaged you. I guess I wanted to be that "assholes" friend.

People do stupid shit and make stupid mistakes. I guess the amount of stupid shit I've done with you around has exceeded to a point of you disliking me after liking me. Why did you even like me? You've always been a little crazy. You did treat me better than others. Did I take it for granted that much? I seem to do that a lot, especially with the people I really DO care about that I can't really express or show it that well with. 

I've been told I have the worst ways of showing I care. I guess that wouldn't be the only thing wrong with me, would it? I can't seem to do anything right...nothing at all. Not from talking and communicating with people, to treating people right. I wonder when I became like this? I used to care about people, a LOT, more than I should have, from what I was told. Did I change when I got tired of people treating me like shit?

I hate being mean and rude, but I'm not even sure I know how to be anything else. Everyone has different defense mechanisms, right? Why do mine have to be so fucked up? 

....Am I really that much of a bother to you? 

It feels like it....

...I hate myself.

I wish someone would help me....

....anyone...

....please?