I feel fucking worthless. Most of my friends already have either a family, or kids, or engaged/married, or all of the above, or some variation of the above.... I have nothing. I try, or I think I do, but I'm still not going anywhere. I guess I'm just too much and too needy for almost everyone. I'm... jealous... and envious of my friends. Of course I'm happy for them, but I just wish I was happy too. I went back to college and I just.... I want to do something but I have no fucking clue what it is still. I've looked at jobs, I've looked at degrees, and there's just.... nothing. People think I'm lazy... and maybe I am, but it's not because of a lack of wanting to do something, I just literally .... can't find a single thing I would want to do. I'll be 33 this year and I literally haven't done jack shit with my life or accomplished anything. Every time family asks about me, I'm basically an embarrassment and my poor parents have to just tell them that they should ask me what's going on in my life and what I'm doing with it... but we all know that they just look down at me not working, not doing school, not doing anything with my life. I feel like a fucking burden. I feel like I can't really do anything right. Maybe I really can't just be happy. I'm happy when I spend time with the people I care about, I'm happy when I can make those people smile and be there for them. I'm so tired of having people added that don't ever put any effort into spending time with me or talking to me. I'm tired of always being the one to reach out. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough and I don't know how to find that self-worth everyone is always talking about. I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to do things to better myself and my life, but it always seems to go to shit and give me more problems. My relationship is going well but... I'm constantly wondering when I'll say something wrong or fuck up and ruin that too. I'm worried that if I cry it'll make him question whether he even wants to be with me or not. I miss the honeymoon phase. I miss being confident and not paranoid and constantly worrying that someone better will come along and take my place. I'm trying to find nice and good things about myself, but they're so hard to see. My head hurts and my eyes hurt and I'm pretty sure my immune system is going to shit from crying again like it always does. People say that you're "never too old" to get your degree and get a family and all that stuff, but that's dependent on that person. I want to show off a family and my husband and have cute pictures of me and him and us everywhere... and go places and do fun things, but I also want to be supportive of what he wants, and I .... I know that work is priority and relaxing is priority after that and then maybe me... I miss when I was priority. I miss when you knew that something is wrong and would be there just to comfort me, even if you didn't know what it was or what to do. I wonder if you still think I'd be a good mom. I wonder if you still want to marry me. Most of all, I wish you were still the reason for me to start caring about myself. I started.... and then I lost hope when I almost lost you and now I'm so conflicted that I just don't think I even want to try. Even then, it feels like I'm even bad at being a house gf or whatever. Guess I'm just bad at everything....
You fucking lied to me about your ex too. "I would never want to get back together with her", while literally talking about MOVING and LIVING with her back in January of this year. Guess you just didn't think that I read the convo that far back. Just.... was that also "I didn't think it was serious". This was during the time you were "trying to make it work" with me and we were "together" too. Is that your way of making it work? Going behind my back with an ex, talking about you and her and flirting almost every God damn day. So I wonder how much is true from that "she only added and msgd me to get the server" bullshit. I wonder wtf she even texted and league msgd you the entire time we were fighting, cuz I seriously doubt it was "just talking". You kept SENDING HER MONEY while with me, while she literally has 20 million guys all over her that she can get money and food from. Then you had the audacity to tell me that you want her in your life and to stay friends with her. Fuck no... I don't want her in your life. I didn't want her in your life BEFORE reading any of those convos and I most definitely don't want her in your life after, no matter how "great of friends" you were. She can fuck off and find someone else to harass and try to steal instead of you. What? She realized how good she had it and how amazing you treated her and decided she wanted it back? Tough shit, find someone else.... why does this shit happen to me??? Why can't I just.... be happy with my person? Why is everything and everyone trying to ruin everything all the time for me? Have I just not suffered enough?
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