Questions

 So many questions and little to no answers. I’m starting to get frustrated and annoyed at everything. I don’t really want to be around people. I caught something, I’m still pretty sure it’s covid. My throat/coughing still hasn’t gotten any better and it’s been way over a week, almost 2 now, maybe? Coughing every 5-10 mins is very annoying. Feels like the back of my throat is raw/bloody, I don’t like it. Hot tea/drinks aren’t helping as much as I want. Haven’t been able to keep food down again really. Head hurts a a lot lately. It’s supposed to get cooler this upcoming week, god bless. This weather might be the actual thing killing me. 

I miss Michigan and the fresh air. I miss watching doggo run out on the fields and I definitely miss her being super happy about the snow. I miss watching you play with her. I forget about you most of the time, but sometimes I wonder if you miss us. I wonder if anyone misses us. What are the chances that I decide to download some games we used to play together and I see they you’re playing them, big yikes. I’m sorry that all of Camis friends are gone and she’s alone. Maybe I should’ve stayed up there and lived in my car or something. I wonder if it’d be better or not at this rate. I miss the greenery and the wind and being able to walk outside from 7am to 9pm while it’s still bright out. 

I miss being hugged and held. I feel alone despite having so many people around me. Everyone is always too busy. Why am I even here? An extra! Am I around just because people are bored? Probably. I should leave. Would it matter if I did? I’m sad it wasn’t covid... I think I’d rather have had it and died tbh. I’m not trying to be negative, just saying If it happened, then it wouldn’t be something I’d be against. Is that bad? Yea.... I guess it kind of is. 

Thanksgiving was okay, food was delicious. I’m not looking forward to Xmas. I hate this time of the year, it always feels so fake. Just like people. If they don’t get what they want, they just... go get it elsewhere. As if you never mattered to begin with. Going behind peoples backs. 

“I’ll start doing things.” It’s a lie. Just a white lie to keep going and not fall back into the spiral. “You’re  great.” I hate that lie. Just tell me how it is. What part of being broken is great? Idk. I’m annoyed. My head hurts. I have too many things on my mind. I want a break from everything, starting my head. I haven’t felt like playing league. I haven’t felt like getting up. I want to go somewhere in a nature place and just stay there for a week or something. Just disconnected from technology and people. I.... have no answers to all the things in my head. I just want my anxiety to go away. I’m tired of only being able to hear the palpitations of my heart as the only thing in the entire vicinity.