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 I don't know what to write anymore.  This distance... hurts.... sucks.  I'm starting to feel so insecure again. I'm starting to doubt everything so hard again. I'm starting to hurt, so much again. Everyone else seems happy. I wonder what I truly did to deserve all of this. Surely there's a reason for it, right? One can only handle so much of this.  I have so much to say, so much in my head, in my heart, so much that I can't even hear the things around me sometimes as my inner thoughts scream at me until I curl up in agonizing pain and just hope it all goes away.  So much, that I feel like it's a silent scream. It's just a scream.  A crying scream.  One that people would be able to just feel if they heard it, if only they did. 

Last year was the worst year of my entire 34 years. The year ended good though, and started out even better. Things were going to be good. There was change for the better, I felt safe and secure, wanted. Then I went back. Weeks turned to months, months turned into more months. It felt like nothing was going anywhere. Then it felt like it was getting worse. Then I got the job. It's a good paying job. Just.... with too many people around. Wayyy too many. It's like a HS zoo, but worse with how these "adults" act and interact. 

"It's fine, just temporary" I reminded myself, but the longer it went on, the worst it felt. More anxiety, more stress, more feeling like shit that then led to arguments. The things we talked about seemed further away, you started feeling more away. I start having breakdowns, you start having hesitations.

You're going to leave.... aren't you. No amount of trying, praying, hoping, feels like it's working or going to make anything better. Why did I think that it'll be different and you'd stay? It was perfect. Everything but me.... me... the unchanging factor. I'm sorry... clearly, it's me. I don't know what else to do. I'm so worn out. If you ever read this.... please... prove me wrong..... please... 

:/

 I just can't seem to ever catch a break. I'm tired of bothering and trying. It never matters how hard I try with anything, nothing ever goes right anyway. 

Fucking Worthless

 I feel fucking worthless. Most of my friends already have either a family, or kids, or engaged/married, or all of the above, or some variation of the above.... I have nothing. I try, or I think I do, but I'm still not going anywhere. I guess I'm just too much and too needy for almost everyone. I'm... jealous... and envious of my friends. Of course I'm happy for them, but I just wish I was happy too. I went back to college and I just.... I want to do something but I have no fucking clue what it is still. I've looked at jobs, I've looked at degrees, and there's just.... nothing. People think I'm lazy... and maybe I am, but it's not because of a lack of wanting to do something, I just literally .... can't find a single thing I would want to do. I'll be 33 this year and I literally haven't done jack shit with my life or accomplished anything. Every time family asks about me, I'm basically an embarrassment and my poor parents have to just tell them that they should ask me what's going on in my life and what I'm doing with it... but we all know that they just look down at me not working, not doing school, not doing anything with my life. I feel like a fucking burden. I feel like I can't really do anything right. Maybe I really can't just be happy. I'm happy when I spend time with the people I care about, I'm happy when I can make those people smile and be there for them. I'm so tired of having people added that don't ever put any effort into spending time with me or talking to me. I'm tired of always being the one to reach out. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough and I don't know how to find that self-worth everyone is always talking about. I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to do things to better myself and my life, but it always seems to go to shit and give me more problems. My relationship is going well but... I'm constantly wondering when I'll say something wrong or fuck up and ruin that too. I'm worried that if I cry it'll make him question whether he even wants to be with me or not. I miss the honeymoon phase. I miss being confident and not paranoid and constantly worrying that someone better will come along and take my place. I'm trying to find nice and good things about myself, but they're so hard to see. My head hurts and my eyes hurt and I'm pretty sure my immune system is going to shit from crying again like it always does. People say that you're "never too old" to get your degree and get a family and all that stuff, but that's dependent on that person. I want to show off a family and my husband and have cute pictures of me and him and us everywhere... and go places and do fun things, but I also want to be supportive of what he wants, and I .... I know that work is priority and relaxing is priority after that and then maybe me...  I miss when I was priority. I miss when you knew that something is wrong and would be there just to comfort me, even if you didn't know what it was or what to do. I wonder if you still think I'd be a good mom. I wonder if you still want to marry me. Most of all, I wish you were still the reason for me to start caring about myself. I started.... and then I lost hope when I almost lost you and now I'm so conflicted that I just don't think I even want to try. Even then, it feels like I'm even bad at being a house gf or whatever. Guess I'm just bad at everything.... 

You fucking lied to me about your ex too. "I would never want to get back together with her", while literally talking about MOVING and LIVING with her back in January of this year. Guess you just didn't think that I read the convo that far back. Just.... was that also "I didn't think it was serious". This was during the time you were "trying to make it work" with me and we were "together" too. Is that your way of making it work? Going behind my back with an ex, talking about you and her and flirting almost every God damn day. So I wonder how much is true from that "she only added and msgd me to get the server" bullshit. I wonder wtf she even texted and league msgd you the entire time we were fighting, cuz I seriously doubt it was "just talking". You kept SENDING HER MONEY while with me, while she literally has 20 million guys all over her that she can get money and food from. Then you had the audacity to tell me that you want her in your life and to stay friends with her. Fuck no... I don't want her in your life. I didn't want her in your life BEFORE reading any of those convos and I most definitely don't want her in your life after, no matter how "great of friends" you were. She can fuck off and find someone else to harass and try to steal instead of you. What? She realized how good she had it and how amazing you treated her and decided she wanted it back? Tough shit, find someone else.... why does this shit happen to me??? Why can't I just.... be happy with my person? Why is everything and everyone trying to ruin everything all the time for me? Have I just not suffered enough? 

Running

 My feelings are running all over the place. I.... idk how to feel or what to do. It hurts to be close but it hurts even more to be away. I hate not having a say. I hate not being able to try my heart out before getting turned away saying that it’s just not possible. I almost want to just go and get abused at this rate, maybe it would help. I have enough money to disappear without being found. Would you notice? Would you worry? I want to leave just to see if you’d even reach out first. 

Questions

 So many questions and little to no answers. I’m starting to get frustrated and annoyed at everything. I don’t really want to be around people. I caught something, I’m still pretty sure it’s covid. My throat/coughing still hasn’t gotten any better and it’s been way over a week, almost 2 now, maybe? Coughing every 5-10 mins is very annoying. Feels like the back of my throat is raw/bloody, I don’t like it. Hot tea/drinks aren’t helping as much as I want. Haven’t been able to keep food down again really. Head hurts a a lot lately. It’s supposed to get cooler this upcoming week, god bless. This weather might be the actual thing killing me. 

I miss Michigan and the fresh air. I miss watching doggo run out on the fields and I definitely miss her being super happy about the snow. I miss watching you play with her. I forget about you most of the time, but sometimes I wonder if you miss us. I wonder if anyone misses us. What are the chances that I decide to download some games we used to play together and I see they you’re playing them, big yikes. I’m sorry that all of Camis friends are gone and she’s alone. Maybe I should’ve stayed up there and lived in my car or something. I wonder if it’d be better or not at this rate. I miss the greenery and the wind and being able to walk outside from 7am to 9pm while it’s still bright out. 

I miss being hugged and held. I feel alone despite having so many people around me. Everyone is always too busy. Why am I even here? An extra! Am I around just because people are bored? Probably. I should leave. Would it matter if I did? I’m sad it wasn’t covid... I think I’d rather have had it and died tbh. I’m not trying to be negative, just saying If it happened, then it wouldn’t be something I’d be against. Is that bad? Yea.... I guess it kind of is. 

Thanksgiving was okay, food was delicious. I’m not looking forward to Xmas. I hate this time of the year, it always feels so fake. Just like people. If they don’t get what they want, they just... go get it elsewhere. As if you never mattered to begin with. Going behind peoples backs. 

“I’ll start doing things.” It’s a lie. Just a white lie to keep going and not fall back into the spiral. “You’re  great.” I hate that lie. Just tell me how it is. What part of being broken is great? Idk. I’m annoyed. My head hurts. I have too many things on my mind. I want a break from everything, starting my head. I haven’t felt like playing league. I haven’t felt like getting up. I want to go somewhere in a nature place and just stay there for a week or something. Just disconnected from technology and people. I.... have no answers to all the things in my head. I just want my anxiety to go away. I’m tired of only being able to hear the palpitations of my heart as the only thing in the entire vicinity. 

Hurts

 My eyes and head have been hurting so bad this past week. Like a permanent headache that never goes away. 8 hrs of sleep between 3 days then I finally got sleep thanks to drinking. Still felt so tired. Slept fantastic last night only to wake up with a massive headache again and clearly not enough sleep. Body keeps waking me up at 6:30am every fucking day. I don’t like it. I go for walks in the morning with Cami now. At least someone is happy. Sucks not having anyone to say good morning to, or see the msg written. Not just from a random but from someone you want to talk to. 

Made a few friends, good/nice people. Don’t really want to be around anyone recently but definitely don’t want to be alone. Wonder if I have a mental illness or something. I wouldn’t put it past my issues. Apparently I’m bottom of the barrel trash. Ok then. Want my relationships to suffer? Well don’t you worry! They’re non existent so I guess that’s not happening, eh! 

I feel like I’m losing it. I just don’t care anymore. Doggo has been near me a lot lately. Wonder if she knows what’s wrong with me. I don’t even think this is depression anymore. My heart’s been weird. It’s stuck somewhere between trying to take a deep breath and anxiety combined together and stuck somewhere near my collarbone in the middle. Sometimes I imagine me swallowing that feeling whole. I really want to go skydiving or on a roller coaster. I think that’s really what I need, just to feel like I can die at any second. I love that feeling. When everything leaves your stomach and it drops and your adrenaline rushes because you don’t know if you’re alive or about to die. That is the greatest feeling in the world. I want THAT feeling. 

School is supposed to be starting early January and I... have not written my financial reinstatement petition. Just no drive to do that or other things. I don’t feel like getting up and out of bed. I almost pray I don’t get a job because my emotional/mental state is so fucked that I’m scared I might just not make it through the day’s even when I DON’T have to be around people. 

Another fight, with another person. A sociopath. I’m jealous. How easy it would be to be a sociopath and just not give a single fuck about anything or anyone. Would be easy to leave people behind and just move and start somewhere new. Passing out again as I’m writing this, despite getting at least 12 hrs of sleep. Maybe I’m infected despite never leaving house. That’d be amazing. A blessing in disguise. 

Sigh

 I.... you treat me so well, but it doesn’t feel right. I’ve been so irritated and annoyed with everything. I don’t think I want to date anymore. Maybe mess around. I don’t know if I want kids anymore either, but I know I want malamutes, they just make everything better. I don’t want to really bother with others accepting me or Cami, it’s just not something that.... I really want to gamble on. If someone else’s dog doesn’t get along with mine, I don’t care to be a part of it tbh. My dog is my baby and my baby comes before everyone else. 

I wonder if I’m actually happy or if I’m happy with all the things that happen around me. I feel like I don’t need to date someone for me to do fun stuff with them. I’m in indecision. I don’t really deserve any of this stuff since I didn’t put effort into it.