Not that it matters but....

..... Goodbye

Worse

 I've been feeling very suicidal lately. It's starting to get really hard to control the constant feeling of wanting to just be dead. It feels like everything is just falling apart more and more. My motivation to try to fix things is dying. My motivation to try to accomplish anything is dying. Reaching out isn't doing anything... the medications are helping but not enough to feel like anything I do even matters. I can't even bring this up or talk to the closest person to my heart, because I'm "trauma dumping".... you're supposed to be there for people you love..... but you don't love me anymore, do you? I don't want you to stay with me out of pity or because you think I'd do something, it's just hurting me even more. You don't want to meet with me.... you don't want to see me.... you barely even want me around. I don't feel cared for, wanted, or loved anymore. I've been trying so hard to understand what I can do, and it doesn't even matter.... it's not even just you, it's everyone really. I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself, but it's becoming a lot to handle with little to no one by my side. I'm so tired of being lonely. I've been trying to force myself to just do schoolwork but even that is clouded by constant negativity and depression. Trying to do anything while you're curled up into a ball and crying for majority of the day, every day, is next to impossible....  what do I even do anymore... why bother when people say one thing but act completely the opposite. If I matter and you care, then why is it your actions tell me otherwise and it feels like I'm just a burden, a bother, a nuisance. I've never intentionally tried to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like shit, so why do I have to live like this... 

Weak

 I've been feeling so weak lately. Weak willed, weak emotionally, weak mentally. I'm getting worn out so bad. I want to say the medication is helping, but maybe it's a placebo effect. It's been.... so hard. I tried reaching out for help to try to talk to psychs, but it seems that getting in to talk to anyone takes a century. How are people supposed to get help when they have to wait months while they're struggling in real time?

I feel defeated lately, like I ... can't even try anymore. The one time I should be fighting for things I love and want, and I just.... can't anymore. It feels like a wonderful dream that glossed and passed me by. A dream I'm reaching for that's just out of my reach. I promised I wouldn't do anything dumb, and I've been holding to it.... but these thoughts are getting so negative and so much worse lately. The constant negative doubt, the self deprecation, the constant screaming in my head about how everything I touch leaves and how I fuck it up. 

It's overwhelming. 

I... I don't want to spend another bday alone, without the person I love.  I don't want to wait a god damn year. The thought of me trying and failing is ... so heartbreaking, painful, stabbing. My body has been acting up really bad because of the anxiety and stress. 

I miss the mountains. I miss being able to just leave for an hour or two. I miss hearing the wind in the forest, the rustling of the trees, the creaking, animals, life in general away from people. I miss watching Cami just running around wild and free and happy. Where did I go wrong? 

I try to be a good person. I just .... what did I do wrong that things are so rough. I'm losing hope. I've been losing hope. I want to type more, but the words are just not coming to me. Just tears and pain and things I can't even put into words and describe.... what happens if I fail .... will all the effort go to shit and waste?  Would me trying even matter in the end even if I don't manage? There's so many things that are constantly swarming in my head. So painful.... fml.  

Blank

 I don't know what to write anymore.  This distance... hurts.... sucks.  I'm starting to feel so insecure again. I'm starting to doubt everything so hard again. I'm starting to hurt, so much again. Everyone else seems happy. I wonder what I truly did to deserve all of this. Surely there's a reason for it, right? One can only handle so much of this.  I have so much to say, so much in my head, in my heart, so much that I can't even hear the things around me sometimes as my inner thoughts scream at me until I curl up in agonizing pain and just hope it all goes away.  So much, that I feel like it's a silent scream. It's just a scream.  A crying scream.  One that people would be able to just feel if they heard it, if only they did. 

Last year was the worst year of my entire 34 years. The year ended good though, and started out even better. Things were going to be good. There was change for the better, I felt safe and secure, wanted. Then I went back. Weeks turned to months, months turned into more months. It felt like nothing was going anywhere. Then it felt like it was getting worse. Then I got the job. It's a good paying job. Just.... with too many people around. Wayyy too many. It's like a HS zoo, but worse with how these "adults" act and interact. 

"It's fine, just temporary" I reminded myself, but the longer it went on, the worst it felt. More anxiety, more stress, more feeling like shit that then led to arguments. The things we talked about seemed further away, you started feeling more away. I start having breakdowns, you start having hesitations.

You're going to leave.... aren't you. No amount of trying, praying, hoping, feels like it's working or going to make anything better. Why did I think that it'll be different and you'd stay? It was perfect. Everything but me.... me... the unchanging factor. I'm sorry... clearly, it's me. I don't know what else to do. I'm so worn out. If you ever read this.... please... prove me wrong..... please... 

:/

 I just can't seem to ever catch a break. I'm tired of bothering and trying. It never matters how hard I try with anything, nothing ever goes right anyway. 

Fucking Worthless

 I feel fucking worthless. Most of my friends already have either a family, or kids, or engaged/married, or all of the above, or some variation of the above.... I have nothing. I try, or I think I do, but I'm still not going anywhere. I guess I'm just too much and too needy for almost everyone. I'm... jealous... and envious of my friends. Of course I'm happy for them, but I just wish I was happy too. I went back to college and I just.... I want to do something but I have no fucking clue what it is still. I've looked at jobs, I've looked at degrees, and there's just.... nothing. People think I'm lazy... and maybe I am, but it's not because of a lack of wanting to do something, I just literally .... can't find a single thing I would want to do. I'll be 33 this year and I literally haven't done jack shit with my life or accomplished anything. Every time family asks about me, I'm basically an embarrassment and my poor parents have to just tell them that they should ask me what's going on in my life and what I'm doing with it... but we all know that they just look down at me not working, not doing school, not doing anything with my life. I feel like a fucking burden. I feel like I can't really do anything right. Maybe I really can't just be happy. I'm happy when I spend time with the people I care about, I'm happy when I can make those people smile and be there for them. I'm so tired of having people added that don't ever put any effort into spending time with me or talking to me. I'm tired of always being the one to reach out. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough and I don't know how to find that self-worth everyone is always talking about. I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to do things to better myself and my life, but it always seems to go to shit and give me more problems. My relationship is going well but... I'm constantly wondering when I'll say something wrong or fuck up and ruin that too. I'm worried that if I cry it'll make him question whether he even wants to be with me or not. I miss the honeymoon phase. I miss being confident and not paranoid and constantly worrying that someone better will come along and take my place. I'm trying to find nice and good things about myself, but they're so hard to see. My head hurts and my eyes hurt and I'm pretty sure my immune system is going to shit from crying again like it always does. People say that you're "never too old" to get your degree and get a family and all that stuff, but that's dependent on that person. I want to show off a family and my husband and have cute pictures of me and him and us everywhere... and go places and do fun things, but I also want to be supportive of what he wants, and I .... I know that work is priority and relaxing is priority after that and then maybe me...  I miss when I was priority. I miss when you knew that something is wrong and would be there just to comfort me, even if you didn't know what it was or what to do. I wonder if you still think I'd be a good mom. I wonder if you still want to marry me. Most of all, I wish you were still the reason for me to start caring about myself. I started.... and then I lost hope when I almost lost you and now I'm so conflicted that I just don't think I even want to try. Even then, it feels like I'm even bad at being a house gf or whatever. Guess I'm just bad at everything.... 

You fucking lied to me about your ex too. "I would never want to get back together with her", while literally talking about MOVING and LIVING with her back in January of this year. Guess you just didn't think that I read the convo that far back. Just.... was that also "I didn't think it was serious". This was during the time you were "trying to make it work" with me and we were "together" too. Is that your way of making it work? Going behind my back with an ex, talking about you and her and flirting almost every God damn day. So I wonder how much is true from that "she only added and msgd me to get the server" bullshit. I wonder wtf she even texted and league msgd you the entire time we were fighting, cuz I seriously doubt it was "just talking". You kept SENDING HER MONEY while with me, while she literally has 20 million guys all over her that she can get money and food from. Then you had the audacity to tell me that you want her in your life and to stay friends with her. Fuck no... I don't want her in your life. I didn't want her in your life BEFORE reading any of those convos and I most definitely don't want her in your life after, no matter how "great of friends" you were. She can fuck off and find someone else to harass and try to steal instead of you. What? She realized how good she had it and how amazing you treated her and decided she wanted it back? Tough shit, find someone else.... why does this shit happen to me??? Why can't I just.... be happy with my person? Why is everything and everyone trying to ruin everything all the time for me? Have I just not suffered enough? 

Running

 My feelings are running all over the place. I.... idk how to feel or what to do. It hurts to be close but it hurts even more to be away. I hate not having a say. I hate not being able to try my heart out before getting turned away saying that it’s just not possible. I almost want to just go and get abused at this rate, maybe it would help. I have enough money to disappear without being found. Would you notice? Would you worry? I want to leave just to see if you’d even reach out first. 

Questions

 So many questions and little to no answers. I’m starting to get frustrated and annoyed at everything. I don’t really want to be around people. I caught something, I’m still pretty sure it’s covid. My throat/coughing still hasn’t gotten any better and it’s been way over a week, almost 2 now, maybe? Coughing every 5-10 mins is very annoying. Feels like the back of my throat is raw/bloody, I don’t like it. Hot tea/drinks aren’t helping as much as I want. Haven’t been able to keep food down again really. Head hurts a a lot lately. It’s supposed to get cooler this upcoming week, god bless. This weather might be the actual thing killing me. 

I miss Michigan and the fresh air. I miss watching doggo run out on the fields and I definitely miss her being super happy about the snow. I miss watching you play with her. I forget about you most of the time, but sometimes I wonder if you miss us. I wonder if anyone misses us. What are the chances that I decide to download some games we used to play together and I see they you’re playing them, big yikes. I’m sorry that all of Camis friends are gone and she’s alone. Maybe I should’ve stayed up there and lived in my car or something. I wonder if it’d be better or not at this rate. I miss the greenery and the wind and being able to walk outside from 7am to 9pm while it’s still bright out. 

I miss being hugged and held. I feel alone despite having so many people around me. Everyone is always too busy. Why am I even here? An extra! Am I around just because people are bored? Probably. I should leave. Would it matter if I did? I’m sad it wasn’t covid... I think I’d rather have had it and died tbh. I’m not trying to be negative, just saying If it happened, then it wouldn’t be something I’d be against. Is that bad? Yea.... I guess it kind of is. 

Thanksgiving was okay, food was delicious. I’m not looking forward to Xmas. I hate this time of the year, it always feels so fake. Just like people. If they don’t get what they want, they just... go get it elsewhere. As if you never mattered to begin with. Going behind peoples backs. 

“I’ll start doing things.” It’s a lie. Just a white lie to keep going and not fall back into the spiral. “You’re  great.” I hate that lie. Just tell me how it is. What part of being broken is great? Idk. I’m annoyed. My head hurts. I have too many things on my mind. I want a break from everything, starting my head. I haven’t felt like playing league. I haven’t felt like getting up. I want to go somewhere in a nature place and just stay there for a week or something. Just disconnected from technology and people. I.... have no answers to all the things in my head. I just want my anxiety to go away. I’m tired of only being able to hear the palpitations of my heart as the only thing in the entire vicinity. 

Hurts

 My eyes and head have been hurting so bad this past week. Like a permanent headache that never goes away. 8 hrs of sleep between 3 days then I finally got sleep thanks to drinking. Still felt so tired. Slept fantastic last night only to wake up with a massive headache again and clearly not enough sleep. Body keeps waking me up at 6:30am every fucking day. I don’t like it. I go for walks in the morning with Cami now. At least someone is happy. Sucks not having anyone to say good morning to, or see the msg written. Not just from a random but from someone you want to talk to. 

Made a few friends, good/nice people. Don’t really want to be around anyone recently but definitely don’t want to be alone. Wonder if I have a mental illness or something. I wouldn’t put it past my issues. Apparently I’m bottom of the barrel trash. Ok then. Want my relationships to suffer? Well don’t you worry! They’re non existent so I guess that’s not happening, eh! 

I feel like I’m losing it. I just don’t care anymore. Doggo has been near me a lot lately. Wonder if she knows what’s wrong with me. I don’t even think this is depression anymore. My heart’s been weird. It’s stuck somewhere between trying to take a deep breath and anxiety combined together and stuck somewhere near my collarbone in the middle. Sometimes I imagine me swallowing that feeling whole. I really want to go skydiving or on a roller coaster. I think that’s really what I need, just to feel like I can die at any second. I love that feeling. When everything leaves your stomach and it drops and your adrenaline rushes because you don’t know if you’re alive or about to die. That is the greatest feeling in the world. I want THAT feeling. 

School is supposed to be starting early January and I... have not written my financial reinstatement petition. Just no drive to do that or other things. I don’t feel like getting up and out of bed. I almost pray I don’t get a job because my emotional/mental state is so fucked that I’m scared I might just not make it through the day’s even when I DON’T have to be around people. 

Another fight, with another person. A sociopath. I’m jealous. How easy it would be to be a sociopath and just not give a single fuck about anything or anyone. Would be easy to leave people behind and just move and start somewhere new. Passing out again as I’m writing this, despite getting at least 12 hrs of sleep. Maybe I’m infected despite never leaving house. That’d be amazing. A blessing in disguise. 

Sigh

 I.... you treat me so well, but it doesn’t feel right. I’ve been so irritated and annoyed with everything. I don’t think I want to date anymore. Maybe mess around. I don’t know if I want kids anymore either, but I know I want malamutes, they just make everything better. I don’t want to really bother with others accepting me or Cami, it’s just not something that.... I really want to gamble on. If someone else’s dog doesn’t get along with mine, I don’t care to be a part of it tbh. My dog is my baby and my baby comes before everyone else. 

I wonder if I’m actually happy or if I’m happy with all the things that happen around me. I feel like I don’t need to date someone for me to do fun stuff with them. I’m in indecision. I don’t really deserve any of this stuff since I didn’t put effort into it. 

Nope

Thought I’d play league today cuz I’ve been really wanting to play it. So depressing. Even the toxic pieces of shit that we all reported had each other and I’m just alone. I miss league but I feel like I can’t play it anymore. It hurts so bad. Time to cry myself to sleep and hope I stay asleep. In one way or both. Friends are too busy with games even when I msg them. I’m feeling worse and worse. 

...falling asleep. Please let me sleep tonight without nightmares. I wish doggo would cuddle me to sleep. Doggo makes everything better. Still haven’t gotten my stupid monsters in sw event. Pretty sure I’m just not supposed to get either of the mons I want. Ah well, rip. I might just quit everything. New anime came out. We were supposed to watch it together. So much for that. Maybe I’ll just stop watching that too. Maybe I’ll just stop doing anything. 

Yup

It still hurts a lot, more than it should. Not like I didn’t know it was over ages ago. Not like I didn’t know it wasn’t a good relationship and was toxic no matter how you look at it. Changing my number sucked, now I’m stuck with this number I don’t like and don’t want. Might change it again 🤷🏻‍♀️. It doesn’t help that I remember the phone number I removed days ago, maybe even a week. How do you forget something fast? Haha. I wonder if psychosis would actually help. Apparently My chronic depression kicked in according to my psych. I noticed I can only keep food down once a day. I haven’t stopped bleeding, it’s been weeks. Doggo is doing fantastic, she loves the cold tile. I’m miserable. I can’t even go for walk with her to take shit off my mind, it’s too hot. When we do go for our walk in the evening it’s even more depressing. No beautiful greenery everywhere. No pretty birds singing. No deer to see. Just stupid palm trees and regular flat boring surfaces. 

I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore. They don’t understand. “It’s okay” they say. No. It fucking isn’t okay and it hasn’t been. I can’t stop crying every time I get on my laptop. I stopped reading my webtoons. I really don’t feel like doing anything at all. Had a job, went first day, quit the following morning. Don’t want to be on phones so much. Maybe I don’t want to interact with people tho, I don’t even know anymore. My head’s been hurting Nonstop from crying daily so much. Maybe the shit weather has been helping it tho. It’s been storming and raining. I used to love it, now it just makes me even more depressed. 

Who do I talk to? I left my old accounts. Rip DeAmascus. I like the new name I made, but I miss my old one a lot. I removed everyone off league. I left every discord group I was in. I removed half the people on steam and discord in case I do come back. I wonder if I’ll be able to eventually? Hopefully I’ll forget all my passwords for those places. Can’t log on if you can’t reset them! 9:17am, I feel dead on the inside. Gonna try to go back to sleep. Maybe I can just give my mom all my money and sleep my life away in this room and only take doggo out. I want to go skydiving again. I want to feel that rush of energy as my body feels like it’s about to die any second. Maybe my shoot won’t open? That would be super lucky for me. Everyone complains about my poor doggo. It infuriates me and makes me so sad too. “SHES JUMPING” no shit, she’s only 2, our dogs did worse. “She gets on the bed!” You wouldn’t be complaining if it was our dogs. “She’s loud and bothering us and is always everywhere”. She JUST.WANTS.TO.BE.WITH.EVERYONE. How is that hard to understand? What is so bad about wanting to be around people she cares about. Cami and I are so alike. I understand her, because that’s how I feel. And just like everyone doesn’t want Cami around, no one really wants me around either. I’m sorry little baby, I’m sorry that no one else wants you around as much as I do. I’m sorry you won’t ever get to see your daddy again. I wish I could say it’s for a good reason, but you didn’t deserve it. My throat hurts from crying while typing this and not being able to breathe through my nose. I’m in a mood, to say the least. Why aren’t you at my door whining for me to open it yet? Are you in moms room and you can’t get out? You’re the only person that’s so happy to see me. Ha. People only see you as a doggo. I think you’re a person. You have more feelings and love and care than people. I wish I could give you everything. I wish we could both just disappear somewhere. I’m sure people would miss us then, only after we’re gone. 

Got an xray steroid injection done in my right ankle today. The numbing had starting to wear off like an hour or two ago. It keeps hurting like a bitch. I want cuddles.  :c.  Hurts to walk. Feel nauseous, guess I’ll just sleep the day away or something. 

Idk

Basically, our relationship isn't "worth trying" for, according to the bf. I could've guessed that's how he felt, but it hurt to hear it. I'm still not sure how to feel about it, other than "obviously it's not going anywhere and we're gonna break up", it's just a matter of time when. I don't really think that we're compatible anymore, just lots of downs, so many downs that the ups are hard to really make worth the time. I feel sad. I want to cry half the time and I don't even know why, I'm just sad. Sad that it didn't work out. Sad that we can't make it work. Sad that I'm still being treated like I'm not worth anything and that I'm "nothing special". Sad that I'm just not really being treated how I would love to be treated. 

I don't want to die. I just want to curl up and not have to deal with people. 

I'm sitting here thinking of what to write to express myself, and it's just..... blank. Nothing really comes to mind, just that I hate how everything is. I hate the arguing and bickering and constant "why are you doing this/that", "why are you talking to so and so", "you can't do this/that right". Tired of not being able to even find something to play together because I'm apparently "trash" at everything and it's SUCH a TORTURE to play with me. 

...Idk. 

Lost

I don't know how long it's been.
I've been sleeping really bad. 
I've been eating almost nothing. 
My heart keeps hurting. 

I'm not sure if I even love you, or have loved you recently, or if I'm just so obsessed over the idea of us being together.
Any time I think of going and looking elsewhere, even when we're not together, I feel like shit.
I can't really picture myself with another guy. 
I miss your arms around me. 
I miss the soft kisses. 
I miss waking up next to you. 

This hurts way too much. 

Why were you such a lying scumbag to me....

I may not have been a perfect girlfriend, maybe not even half of one, but I loved you and didn't go behind your back doing shit that you would've called me names for, if I would've done them. 

My head hurts and my body is in pain. The daily walks are really fucking with my injuries, but it's nice out here on the trails. I got a doge, she's an asshole whom I named Camilla or Cami for short.  

I mean, you can tell she's a prissy lil thing. 

It's been a fucking struggle tho. From not sleeping for days, to not eating for almost 2 days straight. It's been an emotional whirlwind since bf and I broke up 3 weeks ago? Maybe even longer, I lost count. I try not to think about it, but it still hurts a lot and I still cry daily. We still talk and half the time it's still fighting. Idfk what to do anymore. 

Birthday is in less than a week and I'm just not looking forward to it at all. Not only do I not have anything planned, but I doubt I can do anything on it anyway since Cami has severe separation anxiety if I'm out of the room for more than 1 minute (and that's an improvement from the 20 seconds it was at first). God forbid I lock her up in the crate and the whining will begin before I even leave the room. Can't even enjoy my hot showers anymore cuz I have to make showers super quick. Can't afford puppy training cuz my check for my car never came and I FINALLY just got a hold of the people yesterday after a week of trying already. 

Cami won't let me sleep unless she's on the bed with me, and even then it's only if she's not in the mood to play. My so called friends, acquaintances, I dont ecdn know anymore, decided to be asses before my bday, so I guess that's less people anyway altogether that are in my life. 

What's the point of acting like you care about someone when you don't though? What do people gain out of doing that? I'm tired... my head hurts, I hope I don't have yet another migraine tomorrow. At least thank God my 3 roommates are all awesome sweethearts. ONE thing that went somewhat well. 

I'm not okay.

I guess you'll really be leaving this time. Day 2 of barely any sleep. Day 2 of me waking up crying and still crying. I don't know if I can be left alone. It hurts and you haven't even left. I don't know what to do or who to talk to or how to not lose it. I wish I could breathe. I wish i couldn't feel more.  I'm happy you know what you want to do now. I hope you find someone that's not like me, someone that will actually make you happy. Clearly I can't do anything right.

Hi, it's me again. 

 Another dream, or maybe it's a nightmare. You were there again. I kept waking up the entire night. It hurt each and every single time. This must be what it felt like for you, eh? I attempted to go back to sleep multiple times, finally managing at around 6:10am or so. Woke up at 8am. Looked through my discord at all the pictures you left of Japan there, crying. Tried to add on discord.... failed. I already knew I was blocked on steam, but I tried there either way.... failed. Looked at your number with your words echo'ing in my head. "You can always call me no matter what time it is and I'll always be there for you." I don't think I could see the phone screen anymore, everything was blurry. I was already curled up in a ball of pain, the crying didn't help. I feel so alone, even if I'm not exactly "alone". I thought back to the time I bailed on you when I was in NY because I was too scared. I laughed at myself scornfully and called myself a fucking moron. I saw the e-mail you had once sent me something from and wanted to write you a letter, but I don't even know if that e-mail is active, and even if it is, I doubt you'd read it. I don't think you'd read this either. I found the wall of text you send me in a notepad in 2011. Read through it, and I'm pretty sure there's more than a fucking ocean in the room. One of the last lines in it was this, word for word:

"You say you don't love me, yet you also say you'll ALWAYS keep in touch..untill I get married. If you didn't love me, then why would you stop contacting me if I got married to another.."  

 Because you would have obligations to someone else. Because you'd be happy in the end. Despite you not telling me, I know you're supposed to get married sometime this year from what I heard. You decided to cut me out of your life way before that happened though. Why did you even try to cut me out? Telling me that shes' better than me and your number 1 was enough, you didn't need to throw me away. What happened to being there for me? Did you think that changing your number and blocking me everywhere was the best way to move on? Were you THAT unsure of yourself that you couldn't move on and actually marry her unless you did that to me? 

I forgive you. I know it's not easy. I know how much it hurt. Did you think that it didn't hurt me when I knew you were hurting? You're fucking selfish if you think it didn't matter to me. You're selfish if you think it doesn't matter still. Maybe even more selfish than me. 

I'm back in college, trying to make ANYTHING at all of my life and keep myself motivated from killing myself. I don't really know if it's working or not. I go and I surround myself with people and I smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong. I've always been good at that, no one has any idea! I go home and I act like I'm happy and do my "bitch" routine. I'm lonely even when he's next to me. It's like we're together but I'm alone. I have some of my friends from ages ago, from RO, in my discord talking to me sometimes. I wonder where I went wrong.... I wonder why I didn't listen to anyone. Lol, everyone liked you. Everyone said I was stupid. I guess it's true when they say that obvious things are the things we can't see ourselves until it's too late.  Another attempt at a skype add... probably another fail. I think I finally lost all of the friends that once gave a fuck about me... I'm good at that too, eh? I want to yell and cry but nothing comes out aside from tears. I don't feel very good. 

I think... I'll try to send this... or so I tell myself, but I probably won't. It'll be saved as a draft and I'll re-read it and consider sending this again. You're happy, I think... so I shouldn't bother or care. I wish you still cared.... I wish you'd at least still be a friend. I wish I could turn back time and fix all my stupid mistakes. You were literally always there for me..... how the fuck am I supposed to just be fine that you're gone like that? HOW.... Why....  

....I'm gonna go throw up and take a long shower while crying my heart out.