Worse

 I've been feeling very suicidal lately. It's starting to get really hard to control the constant feeling of wanting to just be dead. It feels like everything is just falling apart more and more. My motivation to try to fix things is dying. My motivation to try to accomplish anything is dying. Reaching out isn't doing anything... the medications are helping but not enough to feel like anything I do even matters. I can't even bring this up or talk to the closest person to my heart, because I'm "trauma dumping".... you're supposed to be there for people you love..... but you don't love me anymore, do you? I don't want you to stay with me out of pity or because you think I'd do something, it's just hurting me even more. You don't want to meet with me.... you don't want to see me.... you barely even want me around. I don't feel cared for, wanted, or loved anymore. I've been trying so hard to understand what I can do, and it doesn't even matter.... it's not even just you, it's everyone really. I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself, but it's becoming a lot to handle with little to no one by my side. I'm so tired of being lonely. I've been trying to force myself to just do schoolwork but even that is clouded by constant negativity and depression. Trying to do anything while you're curled up into a ball and crying for majority of the day, every day, is next to impossible....  what do I even do anymore... why bother when people say one thing but act completely the opposite. If I matter and you care, then why is it your actions tell me otherwise and it feels like I'm just a burden, a bother, a nuisance. I've never intentionally tried to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like shit, so why do I have to live like this...