Not that it matters but....

..... Goodbye

Worse

 I've been feeling very suicidal lately. It's starting to get really hard to control the constant feeling of wanting to just be dead. It feels like everything is just falling apart more and more. My motivation to try to fix things is dying. My motivation to try to accomplish anything is dying. Reaching out isn't doing anything... the medications are helping but not enough to feel like anything I do even matters. I can't even bring this up or talk to the closest person to my heart, because I'm "trauma dumping".... you're supposed to be there for people you love..... but you don't love me anymore, do you? I don't want you to stay with me out of pity or because you think I'd do something, it's just hurting me even more. You don't want to meet with me.... you don't want to see me.... you barely even want me around. I don't feel cared for, wanted, or loved anymore. I've been trying so hard to understand what I can do, and it doesn't even matter.... it's not even just you, it's everyone really. I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself, but it's becoming a lot to handle with little to no one by my side. I'm so tired of being lonely. I've been trying to force myself to just do schoolwork but even that is clouded by constant negativity and depression. Trying to do anything while you're curled up into a ball and crying for majority of the day, every day, is next to impossible....  what do I even do anymore... why bother when people say one thing but act completely the opposite. If I matter and you care, then why is it your actions tell me otherwise and it feels like I'm just a burden, a bother, a nuisance. I've never intentionally tried to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like shit, so why do I have to live like this... 

Weak

 I've been feeling so weak lately. Weak willed, weak emotionally, weak mentally. I'm getting worn out so bad. I want to say the medication is helping, but maybe it's a placebo effect. It's been.... so hard. I tried reaching out for help to try to talk to psychs, but it seems that getting in to talk to anyone takes a century. How are people supposed to get help when they have to wait months while they're struggling in real time?

I feel defeated lately, like I ... can't even try anymore. The one time I should be fighting for things I love and want, and I just.... can't anymore. It feels like a wonderful dream that glossed and passed me by. A dream I'm reaching for that's just out of my reach. I promised I wouldn't do anything dumb, and I've been holding to it.... but these thoughts are getting so negative and so much worse lately. The constant negative doubt, the self deprecation, the constant screaming in my head about how everything I touch leaves and how I fuck it up. 

It's overwhelming. 

I... I don't want to spend another bday alone, without the person I love.  I don't want to wait a god damn year. The thought of me trying and failing is ... so heartbreaking, painful, stabbing. My body has been acting up really bad because of the anxiety and stress. 

I miss the mountains. I miss being able to just leave for an hour or two. I miss hearing the wind in the forest, the rustling of the trees, the creaking, animals, life in general away from people. I miss watching Cami just running around wild and free and happy. Where did I go wrong? 

I try to be a good person. I just .... what did I do wrong that things are so rough. I'm losing hope. I've been losing hope. I want to type more, but the words are just not coming to me. Just tears and pain and things I can't even put into words and describe.... what happens if I fail .... will all the effort go to shit and waste?  Would me trying even matter in the end even if I don't manage? There's so many things that are constantly swarming in my head. So painful.... fml.