Not that it matters but....

..... Goodbye

Worse

 I've been feeling very suicidal lately. It's starting to get really hard to control the constant feeling of wanting to just be dead. It feels like everything is just falling apart more and more. My motivation to try to fix things is dying. My motivation to try to accomplish anything is dying. Reaching out isn't doing anything... the medications are helping but not enough to feel like anything I do even matters. I can't even bring this up or talk to the closest person to my heart, because I'm "trauma dumping".... you're supposed to be there for people you love..... but you don't love me anymore, do you? I don't want you to stay with me out of pity or because you think I'd do something, it's just hurting me even more. You don't want to meet with me.... you don't want to see me.... you barely even want me around. I don't feel cared for, wanted, or loved anymore. I've been trying so hard to understand what I can do, and it doesn't even matter.... it's not even just you, it's everyone really. I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself, but it's becoming a lot to handle with little to no one by my side. I'm so tired of being lonely. I've been trying to force myself to just do schoolwork but even that is clouded by constant negativity and depression. Trying to do anything while you're curled up into a ball and crying for majority of the day, every day, is next to impossible....  what do I even do anymore... why bother when people say one thing but act completely the opposite. If I matter and you care, then why is it your actions tell me otherwise and it feels like I'm just a burden, a bother, a nuisance. I've never intentionally tried to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like shit, so why do I have to live like this... 

Weak

 I've been feeling so weak lately. Weak willed, weak emotionally, weak mentally. I'm getting worn out so bad. I want to say the medication is helping, but maybe it's a placebo effect. It's been.... so hard. I tried reaching out for help to try to talk to psychs, but it seems that getting in to talk to anyone takes a century. How are people supposed to get help when they have to wait months while they're struggling in real time?

I feel defeated lately, like I ... can't even try anymore. The one time I should be fighting for things I love and want, and I just.... can't anymore. It feels like a wonderful dream that glossed and passed me by. A dream I'm reaching for that's just out of my reach. I promised I wouldn't do anything dumb, and I've been holding to it.... but these thoughts are getting so negative and so much worse lately. The constant negative doubt, the self deprecation, the constant screaming in my head about how everything I touch leaves and how I fuck it up. 

It's overwhelming. 

I... I don't want to spend another bday alone, without the person I love.  I don't want to wait a god damn year. The thought of me trying and failing is ... so heartbreaking, painful, stabbing. My body has been acting up really bad because of the anxiety and stress. 

I miss the mountains. I miss being able to just leave for an hour or two. I miss hearing the wind in the forest, the rustling of the trees, the creaking, animals, life in general away from people. I miss watching Cami just running around wild and free and happy. Where did I go wrong? 

I try to be a good person. I just .... what did I do wrong that things are so rough. I'm losing hope. I've been losing hope. I want to type more, but the words are just not coming to me. Just tears and pain and things I can't even put into words and describe.... what happens if I fail .... will all the effort go to shit and waste?  Would me trying even matter in the end even if I don't manage? There's so many things that are constantly swarming in my head. So painful.... fml.  

Blank

 I don't know what to write anymore.  This distance... hurts.... sucks.  I'm starting to feel so insecure again. I'm starting to doubt everything so hard again. I'm starting to hurt, so much again. Everyone else seems happy. I wonder what I truly did to deserve all of this. Surely there's a reason for it, right? One can only handle so much of this.  I have so much to say, so much in my head, in my heart, so much that I can't even hear the things around me sometimes as my inner thoughts scream at me until I curl up in agonizing pain and just hope it all goes away.  So much, that I feel like it's a silent scream. It's just a scream.  A crying scream.  One that people would be able to just feel if they heard it, if only they did. 

Last year was the worst year of my entire 34 years. The year ended good though, and started out even better. Things were going to be good. There was change for the better, I felt safe and secure, wanted. Then I went back. Weeks turned to months, months turned into more months. It felt like nothing was going anywhere. Then it felt like it was getting worse. Then I got the job. It's a good paying job. Just.... with too many people around. Wayyy too many. It's like a HS zoo, but worse with how these "adults" act and interact. 

"It's fine, just temporary" I reminded myself, but the longer it went on, the worst it felt. More anxiety, more stress, more feeling like shit that then led to arguments. The things we talked about seemed further away, you started feeling more away. I start having breakdowns, you start having hesitations.

You're going to leave.... aren't you. No amount of trying, praying, hoping, feels like it's working or going to make anything better. Why did I think that it'll be different and you'd stay? It was perfect. Everything but me.... me... the unchanging factor. I'm sorry... clearly, it's me. I don't know what else to do. I'm so worn out. If you ever read this.... please... prove me wrong..... please... 

:/

 I just can't seem to ever catch a break. I'm tired of bothering and trying. It never matters how hard I try with anything, nothing ever goes right anyway. 

Fucking Worthless

 I feel fucking worthless. Most of my friends already have either a family, or kids, or engaged/married, or all of the above, or some variation of the above.... I have nothing. I try, or I think I do, but I'm still not going anywhere. I guess I'm just too much and too needy for almost everyone. I'm... jealous... and envious of my friends. Of course I'm happy for them, but I just wish I was happy too. I went back to college and I just.... I want to do something but I have no fucking clue what it is still. I've looked at jobs, I've looked at degrees, and there's just.... nothing. People think I'm lazy... and maybe I am, but it's not because of a lack of wanting to do something, I just literally .... can't find a single thing I would want to do. I'll be 33 this year and I literally haven't done jack shit with my life or accomplished anything. Every time family asks about me, I'm basically an embarrassment and my poor parents have to just tell them that they should ask me what's going on in my life and what I'm doing with it... but we all know that they just look down at me not working, not doing school, not doing anything with my life. I feel like a fucking burden. I feel like I can't really do anything right. Maybe I really can't just be happy. I'm happy when I spend time with the people I care about, I'm happy when I can make those people smile and be there for them. I'm so tired of having people added that don't ever put any effort into spending time with me or talking to me. I'm tired of always being the one to reach out. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough and I don't know how to find that self-worth everyone is always talking about. I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to do things to better myself and my life, but it always seems to go to shit and give me more problems. My relationship is going well but... I'm constantly wondering when I'll say something wrong or fuck up and ruin that too. I'm worried that if I cry it'll make him question whether he even wants to be with me or not. I miss the honeymoon phase. I miss being confident and not paranoid and constantly worrying that someone better will come along and take my place. I'm trying to find nice and good things about myself, but they're so hard to see. My head hurts and my eyes hurt and I'm pretty sure my immune system is going to shit from crying again like it always does. People say that you're "never too old" to get your degree and get a family and all that stuff, but that's dependent on that person. I want to show off a family and my husband and have cute pictures of me and him and us everywhere... and go places and do fun things, but I also want to be supportive of what he wants, and I .... I know that work is priority and relaxing is priority after that and then maybe me...  I miss when I was priority. I miss when you knew that something is wrong and would be there just to comfort me, even if you didn't know what it was or what to do. I wonder if you still think I'd be a good mom. I wonder if you still want to marry me. Most of all, I wish you were still the reason for me to start caring about myself. I started.... and then I lost hope when I almost lost you and now I'm so conflicted that I just don't think I even want to try. Even then, it feels like I'm even bad at being a house gf or whatever. Guess I'm just bad at everything.... 

You fucking lied to me about your ex too. "I would never want to get back together with her", while literally talking about MOVING and LIVING with her back in January of this year. Guess you just didn't think that I read the convo that far back. Just.... was that also "I didn't think it was serious". This was during the time you were "trying to make it work" with me and we were "together" too. Is that your way of making it work? Going behind my back with an ex, talking about you and her and flirting almost every God damn day. So I wonder how much is true from that "she only added and msgd me to get the server" bullshit. I wonder wtf she even texted and league msgd you the entire time we were fighting, cuz I seriously doubt it was "just talking". You kept SENDING HER MONEY while with me, while she literally has 20 million guys all over her that she can get money and food from. Then you had the audacity to tell me that you want her in your life and to stay friends with her. Fuck no... I don't want her in your life. I didn't want her in your life BEFORE reading any of those convos and I most definitely don't want her in your life after, no matter how "great of friends" you were. She can fuck off and find someone else to harass and try to steal instead of you. What? She realized how good she had it and how amazing you treated her and decided she wanted it back? Tough shit, find someone else.... why does this shit happen to me??? Why can't I just.... be happy with my person? Why is everything and everyone trying to ruin everything all the time for me? Have I just not suffered enough? 

Running

 My feelings are running all over the place. I.... idk how to feel or what to do. It hurts to be close but it hurts even more to be away. I hate not having a say. I hate not being able to try my heart out before getting turned away saying that it’s just not possible. I almost want to just go and get abused at this rate, maybe it would help. I have enough money to disappear without being found. Would you notice? Would you worry? I want to leave just to see if you’d even reach out first.