It still hurts a lot, more than it should. Not like I didn’t know it was over ages ago. Not like I didn’t know it wasn’t a good relationship and was toxic no matter how you look at it. Changing my number sucked, now I’m stuck with this number I don’t like and don’t want. Might change it again 🤷🏻♀️. It doesn’t help that I remember the phone number I removed days ago, maybe even a week. How do you forget something fast? Haha. I wonder if psychosis would actually help. Apparently My chronic depression kicked in according to my psych. I noticed I can only keep food down once a day. I haven’t stopped bleeding, it’s been weeks. Doggo is doing fantastic, she loves the cold tile. I’m miserable. I can’t even go for walk with her to take shit off my mind, it’s too hot. When we do go for our walk in the evening it’s even more depressing. No beautiful greenery everywhere. No pretty birds singing. No deer to see. Just stupid palm trees and regular flat boring surfaces.
I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore. They don’t understand. “It’s okay” they say. No. It fucking isn’t okay and it hasn’t been. I can’t stop crying every time I get on my laptop. I stopped reading my webtoons. I really don’t feel like doing anything at all. Had a job, went first day, quit the following morning. Don’t want to be on phones so much. Maybe I don’t want to interact with people tho, I don’t even know anymore. My head’s been hurting Nonstop from crying daily so much. Maybe the shit weather has been helping it tho. It’s been storming and raining. I used to love it, now it just makes me even more depressed.
Who do I talk to? I left my old accounts. Rip DeAmascus. I like the new name I made, but I miss my old one a lot. I removed everyone off league. I left every discord group I was in. I removed half the people on steam and discord in case I do come back. I wonder if I’ll be able to eventually? Hopefully I’ll forget all my passwords for those places. Can’t log on if you can’t reset them! 9:17am, I feel dead on the inside. Gonna try to go back to sleep. Maybe I can just give my mom all my money and sleep my life away in this room and only take doggo out. I want to go skydiving again. I want to feel that rush of energy as my body feels like it’s about to die any second. Maybe my shoot won’t open? That would be super lucky for me. Everyone complains about my poor doggo. It infuriates me and makes me so sad too. “SHES JUMPING” no shit, she’s only 2, our dogs did worse. “She gets on the bed!” You wouldn’t be complaining if it was our dogs. “She’s loud and bothering us and is always everywhere”. She JUST.WANTS.TO.BE.WITH.EVERYONE. How is that hard to understand? What is so bad about wanting to be around people she cares about. Cami and I are so alike. I understand her, because that’s how I feel. And just like everyone doesn’t want Cami around, no one really wants me around either. I’m sorry little baby, I’m sorry that no one else wants you around as much as I do. I’m sorry you won’t ever get to see your daddy again. I wish I could say it’s for a good reason, but you didn’t deserve it. My throat hurts from crying while typing this and not being able to breathe through my nose. I’m in a mood, to say the least. Why aren’t you at my door whining for me to open it yet? Are you in moms room and you can’t get out? You’re the only person that’s so happy to see me. Ha. People only see you as a doggo. I think you’re a person. You have more feelings and love and care than people. I wish I could give you everything. I wish we could both just disappear somewhere. I’m sure people would miss us then, only after we’re gone.
