I guess you'll really be leaving this time. Day 2 of barely any sleep. Day 2 of me waking up crying and still crying. I don't know if I can be left alone. It hurts and you haven't even left. I don't know what to do or who to talk to or how to not lose it. I wish I could breathe. I wish i couldn't feel more.  I'm happy you know what you want to do now. I hope you find someone that's not like me, someone that will actually make you happy. Clearly I can't do anything right.

Hi, it's me again. 

 Another dream, or maybe it's a nightmare. You were there again. I kept waking up the entire night. It hurt each and every single time. This must be what it felt like for you, eh? I attempted to go back to sleep multiple times, finally managing at around 6:10am or so. Woke up at 8am. Looked through my discord at all the pictures you left of Japan there, crying. Tried to add on discord.... failed. I already knew I was blocked on steam, but I tried there either way.... failed. Looked at your number with your words echo'ing in my head. "You can always call me no matter what time it is and I'll always be there for you." I don't think I could see the phone screen anymore, everything was blurry. I was already curled up in a ball of pain, the crying didn't help. I feel so alone, even if I'm not exactly "alone". I thought back to the time I bailed on you when I was in NY because I was too scared. I laughed at myself scornfully and called myself a fucking moron. I saw the e-mail you had once sent me something from and wanted to write you a letter, but I don't even know if that e-mail is active, and even if it is, I doubt you'd read it. I don't think you'd read this either. I found the wall of text you send me in a notepad in 2011. Read through it, and I'm pretty sure there's more than a fucking ocean in the room. One of the last lines in it was this, word for word:

"You say you don't love me, yet you also say you'll ALWAYS keep in touch..untill I get married. If you didn't love me, then why would you stop contacting me if I got married to another.."  

 Because you would have obligations to someone else. Because you'd be happy in the end. Despite you not telling me, I know you're supposed to get married sometime this year from what I heard. You decided to cut me out of your life way before that happened though. Why did you even try to cut me out? Telling me that shes' better than me and your number 1 was enough, you didn't need to throw me away. What happened to being there for me? Did you think that changing your number and blocking me everywhere was the best way to move on? Were you THAT unsure of yourself that you couldn't move on and actually marry her unless you did that to me? 

I forgive you. I know it's not easy. I know how much it hurt. Did you think that it didn't hurt me when I knew you were hurting? You're fucking selfish if you think it didn't matter to me. You're selfish if you think it doesn't matter still. Maybe even more selfish than me. 

I'm back in college, trying to make ANYTHING at all of my life and keep myself motivated from killing myself. I don't really know if it's working or not. I go and I surround myself with people and I smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong. I've always been good at that, no one has any idea! I go home and I act like I'm happy and do my "bitch" routine. I'm lonely even when he's next to me. It's like we're together but I'm alone. I have some of my friends from ages ago, from RO, in my discord talking to me sometimes. I wonder where I went wrong.... I wonder why I didn't listen to anyone. Lol, everyone liked you. Everyone said I was stupid. I guess it's true when they say that obvious things are the things we can't see ourselves until it's too late.  Another attempt at a skype add... probably another fail. I think I finally lost all of the friends that once gave a fuck about me... I'm good at that too, eh? I want to yell and cry but nothing comes out aside from tears. I don't feel very good. 

I think... I'll try to send this... or so I tell myself, but I probably won't. It'll be saved as a draft and I'll re-read it and consider sending this again. You're happy, I think... so I shouldn't bother or care. I wish you still cared.... I wish you'd at least still be a friend. I wish I could turn back time and fix all my stupid mistakes. You were literally always there for me..... how the fuck am I supposed to just be fine that you're gone like that? HOW.... Why....  

....I'm gonna go throw up and take a long shower while crying my heart out. 

So.... it's been a while. I'm pretty sure shit just keeps getting worse.  There's been a lot of things on my mind.  Not good things.  I really hate people, especially liars. I hate being told one thing and people doing the other thing.  I've been with my bf for a few years now, I think.  He can really make me feel unloved and shitty sometimes.  I wonder if maybe I'm just blind. 

So this year..... I've lost quite a bit. I lost friends that I thought I mattered to, on Valentine's day. About a month or 2 later, I lost someone really important to me.  I lost one of my closest friends and the person I thought I could always trust. I... he promised me since 9th grade that he'll be there for me no matter what, yet he wouldn't be because of how much I've hurt him and him needing time to get over me. Well, this year, I lost that person. It hurt so much, it still does, knowing that I'm just nothing to him. Maybe it's because I wanted to believe that someone would love me regardless of how terrible of a person I am. After all, he promised he'd always be there for me. He watched me crumble through years and lose hope about having someone there and them leaving me, over and over and over again and again.  He made me believe there was still hope, as long as he was there for me. I should've known better.  They always leave, all of them..... Even him. 

I'm sorry I can't be as strong as you think I am. You will probably never read this or know, but I know how much it hurts now.... And I'm so sorry you had to go through it. I'm sorry I'm giving up. I'm so tired of trying.  I dont want to be strong. I dont want those stupid compliments that aren't true. I dont want to fucking trust anyone and believe that there's someone out there that won't leave. If you left, then there probably isn't anyone else that wouldn't.  I dont want to be disappointed anymore.  I dont want to hope.  I dont want to hurt. I dont want to live... but I don't want to die either. The worst of all of this though?  I feel like I'm already dead inside but that I'm just trying to hold onto whatever I can as a clutch just to prove me wrong and there just isn't anything there to grab. 

My heart really hurts. Please..... someone.... help me. I dont know how..... I dont know what.  I'm not alright. Behind this smile and me being nice, there's a lot of pain and feelings I can't explain.  Even when i try, it just falls on deaf ears. I feel invisible.... why can't I just be invisible, it would've been better either way.  I, supposedly,  have all these "friends". But, how are they really my friends, when not a single one of them, can see how much pain I'm really in. Why do I have to be in such physical and emotional pain. Wasn't me losing my way in 10th grade enough when I lost my best friend, my dog. Why did I have to lose him and have my entire life go to fucking shit and make all these stupid, retarded choices. 

I'm going back to Florida on Aug 25th till October 1st. I... don't know if I even want to come back here. I dont want to stay there either. I just want to go somewhere where no one finds me, just leave as if I'm dead and gone. Most people wouldn't even notice and half of those that would notice, probably wouldn't care. If they did, it probably wouldn't be the people I want or need the most either.  I'm starting to feel so bad that I have a pretty bad loss of appetite....lol, that's right,  me. I Wish things were different.  I may or may not be around. I will most likely act like I'm okay. If you read this, you'll probably ask me what's wrong or what you can do or how to help. The sad part is though, no one will ever know, because it's not something words can describe.  

I'm sorry I'm not strong anymore.  I tried my heart out, I really did. But it just hurts too much to try anymore. 

I don't really know

I really hate it here. The ONLY reason I'm even trying or bothering is because of my bf but... At this point in time I don't even know if it'll work out or not. I want to believe it will and I'm trying but I'm just so damn tired of it. Been trying to get a job since coming here and he's just been lazy. I'm not sure how it's going to work out at this rate. I don't really have internet and I'm eating and sleeping super shitty. 

Honestly, as bad as it sounds.... I'm wondering if it was even worth it. I love him to death but... These living conditions are actually shit and I can truly say I actually really hate it almost to a point where even being together with him, doesn't make anything seem well. 

I tried to motivate him multiple times. To get a job so we could get the fuck out, so we could have nice things, so we wouldn't live in a shit hole.... Nothing seems to work. Idk.... Maybe I should just leave and never bother with anyone or anything again.  :/  

Done

So.... I'm just done trying. Trying to control myself, trying to be better, trying to care for shit I don't care for and trying to care for the last few things and people I care about. I'm not stopping because I don't love you, I'm stopping because it's just pointless now and there's more negative and depressing shit than there is good. Yes I have issues, but you've known almost all of them for a looong time now. Thanks for pointing them out and blatantly blaming MY issues for shit going wrong all the time. As if I'm already not anxious and stressed enough. Well whatever, you can be "right" now. You can go find someone less bitchy and manipulative and psychotic, as you put it. Just wondering why I even believed anything would come of it or actually work. Silly me.... By know I should have known that's NOT how MY life works. 

Everything is spinning, my heart is hurting, I hope it all ends soon....  Really soon. 

Please....

We're going to find out next week whether we got the apartment or not. I... I'm worried. It's 3:17am right now and I'm laying in bed crying. It hurts so much to be away from you. Since you've been here, I've made some of the shittiest mistakes and decisions that I have in a while. You've been trying so hard to be better and more understanding.... So why do I give up so much faster now? I want to be with you..... For good. I want to be the only girl you notice and the only girl you look at. I want to be that person you can trust and lean on. I.... I REALLY don't deserve it though. After all the shit you've been through with me, you forgave me. It bothers me because I don't understand or know why. How can you even put up with me? I want to hold you again.... Fall asleep in your arms, wake up and hug you before you wake up. I want to have our usual tickling wars till we can't breathe. I wonder why I forget all the good stuff and times we've had when we fight. It's definitely worth fighting for. Why am I being an idiot. Why does it hurt so much when you're away. I miss you.... I love you.... Please.... Let us get that apartment, so we can be together again....happy....

....in the end

... It didn't even matter. 

There's so many thoughts going through my mind right now, as tears stream down my face. I'm not going to reply, because I'm just tired of the fighting. I feel dead inside. Hurt and dead, it's been a while since I felt like this. It's been a while since I couldn't even form everything into something that could be explained. If I had to describe the feeling, it'd be like this. 

Just screaming inside your head through tears. Curled up in a ball of hurt and agony. Suffocating as you struggle to gasp what little air you seem to have around you. One thought going through your mind. "Make it stop..."  Please make it stop... Make the pain end. Make the feelings disappear. Make it stop...  ba bum ba bum  ... Shut up.... Stop beating.... Just FUCKING STOP BEATING ALREADY FFS.... Stop.... STOP.... please.... Just this once.... Stop.... I... Am tired....  please... Let it stop hurting....  why....