Running

 My feelings are running all over the place. I.... idk how to feel or what to do. It hurts to be close but it hurts even more to be away. I hate not having a say. I hate not being able to try my heart out before getting turned away saying that it’s just not possible. I almost want to just go and get abused at this rate, maybe it would help. I have enough money to disappear without being found. Would you notice? Would you worry? I want to leave just to see if you’d even reach out first. 

Questions

 So many questions and little to no answers. I’m starting to get frustrated and annoyed at everything. I don’t really want to be around people. I caught something, I’m still pretty sure it’s covid. My throat/coughing still hasn’t gotten any better and it’s been way over a week, almost 2 now, maybe? Coughing every 5-10 mins is very annoying. Feels like the back of my throat is raw/bloody, I don’t like it. Hot tea/drinks aren’t helping as much as I want. Haven’t been able to keep food down again really. Head hurts a a lot lately. It’s supposed to get cooler this upcoming week, god bless. This weather might be the actual thing killing me. 

I miss Michigan and the fresh air. I miss watching doggo run out on the fields and I definitely miss her being super happy about the snow. I miss watching you play with her. I forget about you most of the time, but sometimes I wonder if you miss us. I wonder if anyone misses us. What are the chances that I decide to download some games we used to play together and I see they you’re playing them, big yikes. I’m sorry that all of Camis friends are gone and she’s alone. Maybe I should’ve stayed up there and lived in my car or something. I wonder if it’d be better or not at this rate. I miss the greenery and the wind and being able to walk outside from 7am to 9pm while it’s still bright out. 

I miss being hugged and held. I feel alone despite having so many people around me. Everyone is always too busy. Why am I even here? An extra! Am I around just because people are bored? Probably. I should leave. Would it matter if I did? I’m sad it wasn’t covid... I think I’d rather have had it and died tbh. I’m not trying to be negative, just saying If it happened, then it wouldn’t be something I’d be against. Is that bad? Yea.... I guess it kind of is. 

Thanksgiving was okay, food was delicious. I’m not looking forward to Xmas. I hate this time of the year, it always feels so fake. Just like people. If they don’t get what they want, they just... go get it elsewhere. As if you never mattered to begin with. Going behind peoples backs. 

“I’ll start doing things.” It’s a lie. Just a white lie to keep going and not fall back into the spiral. “You’re  great.” I hate that lie. Just tell me how it is. What part of being broken is great? Idk. I’m annoyed. My head hurts. I have too many things on my mind. I want a break from everything, starting my head. I haven’t felt like playing league. I haven’t felt like getting up. I want to go somewhere in a nature place and just stay there for a week or something. Just disconnected from technology and people. I.... have no answers to all the things in my head. I just want my anxiety to go away. I’m tired of only being able to hear the palpitations of my heart as the only thing in the entire vicinity. 

Hurts

 My eyes and head have been hurting so bad this past week. Like a permanent headache that never goes away. 8 hrs of sleep between 3 days then I finally got sleep thanks to drinking. Still felt so tired. Slept fantastic last night only to wake up with a massive headache again and clearly not enough sleep. Body keeps waking me up at 6:30am every fucking day. I don’t like it. I go for walks in the morning with Cami now. At least someone is happy. Sucks not having anyone to say good morning to, or see the msg written. Not just from a random but from someone you want to talk to. 

Made a few friends, good/nice people. Don’t really want to be around anyone recently but definitely don’t want to be alone. Wonder if I have a mental illness or something. I wouldn’t put it past my issues. Apparently I’m bottom of the barrel trash. Ok then. Want my relationships to suffer? Well don’t you worry! They’re non existent so I guess that’s not happening, eh! 

I feel like I’m losing it. I just don’t care anymore. Doggo has been near me a lot lately. Wonder if she knows what’s wrong with me. I don’t even think this is depression anymore. My heart’s been weird. It’s stuck somewhere between trying to take a deep breath and anxiety combined together and stuck somewhere near my collarbone in the middle. Sometimes I imagine me swallowing that feeling whole. I really want to go skydiving or on a roller coaster. I think that’s really what I need, just to feel like I can die at any second. I love that feeling. When everything leaves your stomach and it drops and your adrenaline rushes because you don’t know if you’re alive or about to die. That is the greatest feeling in the world. I want THAT feeling. 

School is supposed to be starting early January and I... have not written my financial reinstatement petition. Just no drive to do that or other things. I don’t feel like getting up and out of bed. I almost pray I don’t get a job because my emotional/mental state is so fucked that I’m scared I might just not make it through the day’s even when I DON’T have to be around people. 

Another fight, with another person. A sociopath. I’m jealous. How easy it would be to be a sociopath and just not give a single fuck about anything or anyone. Would be easy to leave people behind and just move and start somewhere new. Passing out again as I’m writing this, despite getting at least 12 hrs of sleep. Maybe I’m infected despite never leaving house. That’d be amazing. A blessing in disguise. 

Sigh

 I.... you treat me so well, but it doesn’t feel right. I’ve been so irritated and annoyed with everything. I don’t think I want to date anymore. Maybe mess around. I don’t know if I want kids anymore either, but I know I want malamutes, they just make everything better. I don’t want to really bother with others accepting me or Cami, it’s just not something that.... I really want to gamble on. If someone else’s dog doesn’t get along with mine, I don’t care to be a part of it tbh. My dog is my baby and my baby comes before everyone else. 

I wonder if I’m actually happy or if I’m happy with all the things that happen around me. I feel like I don’t need to date someone for me to do fun stuff with them. I’m in indecision. I don’t really deserve any of this stuff since I didn’t put effort into it. 

Nope

Thought I’d play league today cuz I’ve been really wanting to play it. So depressing. Even the toxic pieces of shit that we all reported had each other and I’m just alone. I miss league but I feel like I can’t play it anymore. It hurts so bad. Time to cry myself to sleep and hope I stay asleep. In one way or both. Friends are too busy with games even when I msg them. I’m feeling worse and worse. 

...falling asleep. Please let me sleep tonight without nightmares. I wish doggo would cuddle me to sleep. Doggo makes everything better. Still haven’t gotten my stupid monsters in sw event. Pretty sure I’m just not supposed to get either of the mons I want. Ah well, rip. I might just quit everything. New anime came out. We were supposed to watch it together. So much for that. Maybe I’ll just stop watching that too. Maybe I’ll just stop doing anything. 

Yup

It still hurts a lot, more than it should. Not like I didn’t know it was over ages ago. Not like I didn’t know it wasn’t a good relationship and was toxic no matter how you look at it. Changing my number sucked, now I’m stuck with this number I don’t like and don’t want. Might change it again 🤷🏻‍♀️. It doesn’t help that I remember the phone number I removed days ago, maybe even a week. How do you forget something fast? Haha. I wonder if psychosis would actually help. Apparently My chronic depression kicked in according to my psych. I noticed I can only keep food down once a day. I haven’t stopped bleeding, it’s been weeks. Doggo is doing fantastic, she loves the cold tile. I’m miserable. I can’t even go for walk with her to take shit off my mind, it’s too hot. When we do go for our walk in the evening it’s even more depressing. No beautiful greenery everywhere. No pretty birds singing. No deer to see. Just stupid palm trees and regular flat boring surfaces. 

I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore. They don’t understand. “It’s okay” they say. No. It fucking isn’t okay and it hasn’t been. I can’t stop crying every time I get on my laptop. I stopped reading my webtoons. I really don’t feel like doing anything at all. Had a job, went first day, quit the following morning. Don’t want to be on phones so much. Maybe I don’t want to interact with people tho, I don’t even know anymore. My head’s been hurting Nonstop from crying daily so much. Maybe the shit weather has been helping it tho. It’s been storming and raining. I used to love it, now it just makes me even more depressed. 

Who do I talk to? I left my old accounts. Rip DeAmascus. I like the new name I made, but I miss my old one a lot. I removed everyone off league. I left every discord group I was in. I removed half the people on steam and discord in case I do come back. I wonder if I’ll be able to eventually? Hopefully I’ll forget all my passwords for those places. Can’t log on if you can’t reset them! 9:17am, I feel dead on the inside. Gonna try to go back to sleep. Maybe I can just give my mom all my money and sleep my life away in this room and only take doggo out. I want to go skydiving again. I want to feel that rush of energy as my body feels like it’s about to die any second. Maybe my shoot won’t open? That would be super lucky for me. Everyone complains about my poor doggo. It infuriates me and makes me so sad too. “SHES JUMPING” no shit, she’s only 2, our dogs did worse. “She gets on the bed!” You wouldn’t be complaining if it was our dogs. “She’s loud and bothering us and is always everywhere”. She JUST.WANTS.TO.BE.WITH.EVERYONE. How is that hard to understand? What is so bad about wanting to be around people she cares about. Cami and I are so alike. I understand her, because that’s how I feel. And just like everyone doesn’t want Cami around, no one really wants me around either. I’m sorry little baby, I’m sorry that no one else wants you around as much as I do. I’m sorry you won’t ever get to see your daddy again. I wish I could say it’s for a good reason, but you didn’t deserve it. My throat hurts from crying while typing this and not being able to breathe through my nose. I’m in a mood, to say the least. Why aren’t you at my door whining for me to open it yet? Are you in moms room and you can’t get out? You’re the only person that’s so happy to see me. Ha. People only see you as a doggo. I think you’re a person. You have more feelings and love and care than people. I wish I could give you everything. I wish we could both just disappear somewhere. I’m sure people would miss us then, only after we’re gone. 

Got an xray steroid injection done in my right ankle today. The numbing had starting to wear off like an hour or two ago. It keeps hurting like a bitch. I want cuddles.  :c.  Hurts to walk. Feel nauseous, guess I’ll just sleep the day away or something.