Feeling kinda down

So I haven't been feeling all too well lately. I ended up missing class the second week of school for each of my classes. The Japanese class I'm taking is hardcore difficult to the max because of how much stuff we need to memorize within the short amount of time we have. (10 Hiragana Characters, the correct way to say and write them) Now unlike other tests  that are easy and you get "multiple choice" questions... THIS IS NOTHING LIKE IT. So you have your first 5 "questions" which is mostly 5 different chars (ka, ke, go, gu, gi) that need to be written in hiragana (the actual japanese characters), then the next 5-7 that are blank and have to be verbally told to us and typed out in hiragana. Seems simple enough, if you didn't have 2 days to memorize them and then a bunch of expressions and daily activities on top of that, on top of homework. Missing a day made me miss a quiz, attendance and homework, all of which can NOT be made-up for. SO... first quiz = 0% PLUS all the information on what's going to be on the next quiz (the next 10 characters), etc etc. I ended up confusing 2 characters with each other, so instead of getting the 70% I -would- have gotten from the day I missed .... I got less. Shit just seems WAY TOO HARD. But it gets WORSE. So whenever we have a quiz, our teacher puts the new stuff we have to learn.... WITH THE OLD STUFF. That is NOT making it ANY EASIER for me to catch up, since then I have to literally never even sleep to be able to memorize that shit, instead of the new shit I WILL be tested on... and my anxiety levels are fucking skyrocketing through the damn roof. Today... my anxiety kicked in RIGHT before class started... and I COMPLETELY blanked the hell out even though I studied. I'm pretty sure I'm getting a fucking 10% for today's quiz when I receive it back Thursday. Kinda outright just cried quietly in class. 


Through all of this massive shit that's just been piling on top of more shit on top of being stressed and needing to keep my grades up... I have to say I'm SUPER thankful to my boyfriend. He's been super supportive lately and it means so much to me, especially right now when I feel like just giving up and running away like I always do. Got home today and was just... bummed, literally didn't even feel like doing anything other than laying in bed and wallowing in self-pity of how badly I fucked up on that quiz today. Alas, le man was like "Stop it, you're wasting time." And I was like "Yeaaaa...... yea yea..." and got up and started studying/doing homework. At least someone is keeping me motivated, supported and in-check. 

Thank you baby. ;~;  ♥

...M-maybe....

And...the advise I really needed, came from the least expected person. Thank you. 

Y-you know...I may be over protective and insecure as fuck, but maybe even someone like me is loved and needed. S-so...I'll try. It's hard and it's rough and I'm scared but...maybe if I try hard enough and if he cares as much as I can tell he does, it'll finally work. You don't have to like all of me, and I don't have to like all of you, just need to find a way to deal with it and get over it. 

Maybe I'm just writing this to motivate myself and find the lost hope inside myself. Being around you.... makes me feel something weird. Every time I doubt if we'd make it through and every time I want to give up and just break up. Every time I think about it.... there's something that bitch slaps me and goes "The fuck are you even thinking? It IS worth it, just try harder." T-these issues are just temporary.... we can fix it, just gotta hold on. 

.... would it even matter

Its the new year, yaaaay oh my god..... Or so everyone is acting. Unfortunately, that's definitely not how my xmas or new years go. I was crying since last night..Still crying off and on. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just fucking retarded and can't do anything right. It shouldn't be hard to just not overreact and act like a normal girlfriend.... But for some godly, unknown reason, I can't even do that right. So here I am, after nearly losing you .... Again. I haven't stopped crying. I want to change, but....  .... Maybe I really should let you leave and be happy. God knows I can't even make you happy anymore, let alone keep you happy. 


 Maybe I really should just disappear. You'd be happier without a fucked up failure like me anyway. 

.....eh

My life started to slowly get better once I moved to Oregon a few months ago. However, usually when one thing starts to become better, everything else seems to go to shit in my life. My relationship was one of those things that just ultimately, started getting worse and worse, along with other reasons for it. The other night, someone I consider a friend said something to me that hit a spot. Yea, I realize that maybe almost my entire life has been unstable, along with my relationships but to be frank and honest, I don't appreciate you throwing it in my face. I think pessimistically enough about the shit that's gone wrong and the shit that I couldn't fix, I don't need you fucking sitting there and being all high and mighty on your pedestal talking down to me. 

"No no they're not. Your relationship doesn't affect me at all but I am curious seeing as how it seems to be one of the few future plans you do look forward to and frankly the sooner it falls apart it seems the sooner you'd have a viable means of working toward actual happiness with someone who cared about you enough to provide you a place to live." 

You don't know shit about my relationship with my boyfriend, or the relationship between said person that provided me with the place to live. I don't give a damn if you THINK you're right, that doesn't give you the right to being this way towards me. 



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I... really do barely have anyone as is and the number of people that I can TALK to is becoming even less and less. I don't really know who to talk to anymore or who to ask for help. Even if I knew and had that.... I wouldn't be able to describe what I'm going through and what I'm feeling anyway. Most times I just feel like I'm invisible and curl up in my room. "Yea, I'm fine. No, nothing is wrong." Do I believe it? Sure. Nothing that I can EXPLAIN without having people jumping down my throat and trying to tell me what I SHOULD do. My head hurts.... I don't really want to fucking try anymore. I don't want to try to be strong or fix shit. I'm so tired of trying to fix my life and myself and everything else that has gotten wrong. I'm tired of feeling..... All feelings seem to do is just make me miserable. Every time I go "maybe I won't get hurt this time"... it's just disappointment over and over again and again. "You're just a crybaby".  You know what.... maybe I fucking am, because I can't find the fucking words to describe anything anymore. I know it won't make me feel better and it doesn't. Quite the opposite actually.... but what the fuck am I supposed to do when I can't even control myself? I can't even take stress out anymore because of the disabilities on my body. I have no stress reliever...and I don't want to just fucking talk about everything that's wrong. It doesn't change or solve anything. If anything, it just makes me more miserable because right now... no one can even help me anymore.  The only person who's fucking affection and care I want, truly want, just doesn't even give a single fuck, or at least ACTS like it. Why say you do, if your actions don't show what you claim.....  how hypocritical of me.  

I wonder how long I'll keep caring for. You say you don't want it and you're tired of it and me being annoying and clingy..... but I hope... I sincerely hope, that someday when I'm no longer this way.... you'll actually miss it. And when you do.... it'll be too late.

Betrayed

Do you know those moments when... you believe someone and you trust them even when your heart aches, because it knows better than that? Those moments when you tell yourself it's not true but you know better than that? Those moments when you find the evidence you wanted to find and cried over once you found it. 

I feel broken.

I don't know how to react right now. I don't know how to treat this person right now. This person whom....has gotten so close to me that it's humanely impossible to NOT be hurt over this shit. I'm trying to stay calm in my mind, but my heart just hurts. It hurts because you told me she didn't know anything about you and yet...I found the proof to tell me otherwise. I found that proof in a stash, that you didn't know I had access to. Now that I think about it...I wonder who all has access to it.

I don't even feel like fucking talking to you right now.

 

 

Yet here I am...replying to your skype messages like it's nothing...like it's nothing. I guess it IS nothing, right? I'm across the whole fucking world from you, why SHOULD it matter? You wouldn't even know that something is wrong...because me not messaging you is normal...kinda...you're too busy to notice me not messaging you anyway. I was wondering who it was messaging you on skype while we were in calls, I guess I got my answer now! I was wondering why you wouldn't tell people you had someone...I guess I know that now too. 

 

I never thought it would hurt this fucking much. I want to stab and carve my own heart out.

 

Hey...you know how I've felt like I couldn't talk to anyone anymore and had that feeling?

I fucking HATE being right.

 

And how is it that I'm right about the most hurtful of fucking things and never about the things that I REALLY NEED to be right about.

SO!   HERE'S HOW THIS GOES! :D

 

About 2 days ago, I lost a handful of 'friends' that...I felt were just outright rude in what they did and how they went about doing so. Had I over reacted? Sure, I'll agree with them and say I have. Do I regret it? No, because I wasn't in the wrong here. I was fine with this...because I still have a few other people that are there for me and most of all I had YOU. That is...YOU never thought I'd find the things I did. 

 

Just when did you start lying to me? When did you stop caring the way you did? You told me before that you never want to hurt me. You're hurting me....so much, so much that it hurts to even think about you anymore. I don't want to be here...I don't want to be anywhere really. I don't want to exist. It's not because of you, it's because of everything that's been going on. Most of all it's because of ME. Because I can't seem to fucking do ANYTHING right to make ANYTHING work for me. Fuck...I can't even keep a man happy.    

 

 

....why? 

 

 

 

I think...I might just.... ..... ....disappear.

 

...I wonder...

Hey...

have things really changed...

...or has it always been like this between us? 

You know...back when we met on essenceRO, I heard about how everyone hated you because you were the biggest asshole around, and because of what you did to the server. I wonder why I even messaged you. I guess I wanted to be that "assholes" friend.

People do stupid shit and make stupid mistakes. I guess the amount of stupid shit I've done with you around has exceeded to a point of you disliking me after liking me. Why did you even like me? You've always been a little crazy. You did treat me better than others. Did I take it for granted that much? I seem to do that a lot, especially with the people I really DO care about that I can't really express or show it that well with. 

I've been told I have the worst ways of showing I care. I guess that wouldn't be the only thing wrong with me, would it? I can't seem to do anything right...nothing at all. Not from talking and communicating with people, to treating people right. I wonder when I became like this? I used to care about people, a LOT, more than I should have, from what I was told. Did I change when I got tired of people treating me like shit?

I hate being mean and rude, but I'm not even sure I know how to be anything else. Everyone has different defense mechanisms, right? Why do mine have to be so fucked up? 

....Am I really that much of a bother to you? 

It feels like it....

...I hate myself.

I wish someone would help me....

....anyone...

....please?

Happy For Once

It's...been a while since I posted. I tried logging on here last year and write some stuffs and apparently never finished it. Then came back about 8 months later to try to post something again, and still never finished it. In the end, I just deleted the drafts. LOL! Effort? Fuck it, let's delete! I'm writing a blog for once because a friend of mine, if I can even call him that, mentioned that I should write a blog once in a while when I'm happy too, not just when I'm sad. And since last night, I've been nothing but in the best of moods that I could be in.


It's been a while since we've done anything together, but we're still very close. You told me your reasoning and expected the worst. I accepted it and gave you the best. I regret nothing that happened, only that it didn't happen sooner. Everything's slowly falling back in place, I think.

I have a test coming up already on 7th that I started studying for. Lab starting Wed that I didn't start studying for yet, ugh. I'm happy to be back in school at least.

I kept feeling as if I was conscious even though I was sleeping and I could still hear everything going on around me even though I was asleep. Kept waking up pretty often. Didn't want to get up to eat in the morning either because I just had no energy. My body felt all weak. Keep typo'ing like crazy lately too, perhaps because I've been getting sick slowly and haven't exactly taken care of myself? Who knows. I'm being scolded to take better care of myself. <~< so I suppose I will.  ;x

Got really sick last night, so had to stay home from work as well. Staying home tonight too, not feeling any better. Actually, I feel so much like shit that, I think I wouldn't even make it down there in one piece, and risking my life for money just doesn't cut it for me. Bed is calling for me.

I love this, it's like the old times...2-3-4 years ago. You make me so happy. =^////^= ♥