I've been feeling so weak lately. Weak willed, weak emotionally, weak mentally. I'm getting worn out so bad. I want to say the medication is helping, but maybe it's a placebo effect. It's been.... so hard. I tried reaching out for help to try to talk to psychs, but it seems that getting in to talk to anyone takes a century. How are people supposed to get help when they have to wait months while they're struggling in real time?
I feel defeated lately, like I ... can't even try anymore. The one time I should be fighting for things I love and want, and I just.... can't anymore. It feels like a wonderful dream that glossed and passed me by. A dream I'm reaching for that's just out of my reach. I promised I wouldn't do anything dumb, and I've been holding to it.... but these thoughts are getting so negative and so much worse lately. The constant negative doubt, the self deprecation, the constant screaming in my head about how everything I touch leaves and how I fuck it up.
It's overwhelming.
I... I don't want to spend another bday alone, without the person I love. I don't want to wait a god damn year. The thought of me trying and failing is ... so heartbreaking, painful, stabbing. My body has been acting up really bad because of the anxiety and stress.
I miss the mountains. I miss being able to just leave for an hour or two. I miss hearing the wind in the forest, the rustling of the trees, the creaking, animals, life in general away from people. I miss watching Cami just running around wild and free and happy. Where did I go wrong?
I try to be a good person. I just .... what did I do wrong that things are so rough. I'm losing hope. I've been losing hope. I want to type more, but the words are just not coming to me. Just tears and pain and things I can't even put into words and describe.... what happens if I fail .... will all the effort go to shit and waste? Would me trying even matter in the end even if I don't manage? There's so many things that are constantly swarming in my head. So painful.... fml.
